


Aura

by ikonisch (discordinparadise)



Category: iKON (Korea Band)
Genre: Angst and Feels, Book Within A Book, Eventual Romance, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Friendship/Love, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Late Realisations, M/M, Misunderstandings, Self-Acceptance, Self-Discovery, a lot of deep conversations, but he does find himself a bit more, chanhwan are cuties, chanwoo and yunhyeong love each other to pieces, chanwoo doesn't realise just how much yunhyeong loves him, chanwoo knows who he is, chanwoo's aunt is a star, chanwoo's pov, junbob dream spirits, khjbdsvc that's funny, strained father-son relationship, that'll make sense later - Freeform, there's a book that plays a big part, yunchan are best friends, yunchan are iconic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-26
Updated: 2019-01-26
Packaged: 2019-10-16 13:01:42
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 23,921
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17550179
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/discordinparadise/pseuds/ikonisch
Summary: Aura, commonly described as one of the most beautiful simplistic words in the english vocabulary, also the plural form of the word 'aurum', latin for gold aka one of the most well-known words in the world. Auras are the foundation of feelings, of thoughts, when something or someone gives off an aura, you can sense it. The parts that made up Chanwoo's world had all kinds of auras that differed that made life difficult, made life hard to swallow but Yunhyeong's aura was the only one Chanwoo liked analysing.Just in his head.It was, without a doubt, always something indescribable but Chanwoo would still try.





	Aura

Yunhyeong had this kind of aura about him, Chanwoo had realised.

Yunhyeong _was_ approachable. Oh, definitely. He was friendly, nice, smiley, but sometimes it seemed like he shouldn't seem as approachable as he was. Those kinds of moments came about when he'd perfectly ace something in sports against everyone's expectations; when he'd just look up at the sky simply because that was a habit of his and he'd end up looking like an angel whether he knew it or not; or simply in a few of the photos Yunhyeong posted of himself. Not the selfies, but the ones where he'd keep his camera far away, timed so he could get into a pose before it would shoot, or sometimes he'd ask Chanwoo to take the photo. Chanwoo always felt distant then. Destined to be behind the camera and capture beauty but not for himself.

Chanwoo didn't like thinking about these things but he still found himself doing it. Yunhyeong had auras that Chanwoo couldn't explain, but he liked to try.

He always found it delirious to think that Yunhyeong only had eyes for him at any moment of time even if it was literal, like when Yunhyeong would squish Chanwoo's face and stare him straight in the eye only to say the lamest stuff ever. Yunhyeong had _tons_ of friends. It was like he knew every guy his age within a twenty-mile radius (or just generally...a city radius) and it just seemed like the world loved him. A _lot._

So when he received a text saying _'CHANNNNN HANBIN HATES MEEEEE'_ with excessive crying emojis, Chanwoo didn't sympathise. He just rolled his eyes, flopping onto his bed as he texted back a lazy _'no he doesn't'_ and pulled out the book he had been reading for the past few days. It was something his aunt had got him for his first birthday after he had come out - it was about two boys who were learning not to be scared about what they felt for each other. Two boys wanting to love each other in a world that denied it.

It was quite sweet. Chanwoo loved it, and he wished he had started reading it earlier.

His phone pinged again when he hadn't even read a sentence and he twitched a little but just ignored it.

_**Jiwon knew there was something in his eyes when he looked in the mirror, but he couldn't describe it. They were brighter than they usually were. They held an emotion that Jiwon couldn't recognise, and maybe it was just Jiwon's weird spurts of sentimentality hitting him again. Maybe Junhoe in his emotional state wasn't as sweet as Jiwon thought he was and he'd put something in the elder's drink before he left because stupid Jiwon never knew how to ask him to stay.** _

The phone kept on pinging, relentlessly, and Chanwoo grumbled to himself before he finally picked it up.

_\- HE DOES HE DOES_  
_\- HE'S IGNORING ME_  
_\- HE GAVE ME THIS WEIRD LOOK TODAY TOO_

_\- good grief_  
_-such hatred_

_\- you don'T UNDERStand the look he gave me was like 'GET. OUT. OF. MY. LIFE.'_

_\- what did you do to the poor guy_

_\- I was just being normal??_

_\- you know hanbin finds you burdensome but like in that playful way im sure it's fine_

_\- chanwoooooooo ㅠㅠ_  
_\- this is different, I know it I've done something badd_

_\- why do you care so much_

_\- I always care!!_

_\- i know i know, it was a stupid question..._  
_\- look STOP caring about him at least for now. you did nothing wrong, so just go vacuum or vlog or do whatever makes you happy, this isn't worth your time_

_\- ugh I love you to pi ec es chan_

_- <3_

Chanwoo smiled, thinking that he was happy only because he could get back to his book and if there were other reasons, he could get to them later.

_**There was fire too, flickering fiercely in his pupils. And maybe that was because Jiwon was an idiot in the way that he knew the right but still did the wrong, meaning he was going to confront the person who Junhoe had cried on his arm about, the person who made Junhoe break down all his macho barriers and let Jiwon look after him. That didn't happen, not when it came to Junhoe, this Junhoe, his Junhoe, with anyone. Perhaps, Jiwon was going into battle in the name of love, a love that he didn't know how to explain.** _

Chanwoo frowned, his hand itching towards his phone for a second and he wanted to push the feeling down, but then he was groaning and reaching for it because this book was brainwashing him.

_\- heyy hanbin hyung_

_\- chanwoo yahhhhh_

_\- are you angry at yunhyeong_

_\- what? nono_

_\- were you in a bad mood earlier_

_\- yeah...how did you know?_  
_\- a teacher mouthed jinhwan off and i hurled at him and then it went downhill it was just a mess...sorry_

_\- i hope jinhwanhyung's okay and thatvteacher sucks but don't apologise to me apologise to yun hyung_  
_\- don't take your feelings out on other uninvolved people and if you can't help it then explain_  
_\- please_  
_\- he's hurt. you and i both know he cares about you AND fancies you a little_

_\- yeah..._  
_\- okay I'll do it now. sorry man don't hurt me ):_

_\- i won't if you don't hurt him_

Then Chanwoo physically _threw_ his phone away this time because he was annoyed about it distracting him so much, but then he was smiling, without really being able to help it. He wondered sometimes if in a past life, Yunhyeong was a prince and Chanwoo was his knight because he realised that he liked fighting for Yunhyeong's honour, even in the smallest ways. He ended up pushing the childish thought out of his head as he went back to his book with a calmer heart, and he didn't see the text that said _'me and hanbin are fine now! and...I don't know what you said to him but thank you. you've always got my back ;-;'._

 

 

 

 

 

Yunhyeong's aura sadly did not portray the fact that he was sometimes an idiot. An idiot who would run out of his house and yell to the entire neighbourhood, "I GOT AN INTERVIEW!" just so Chanwoo could hear him.

Chanwoo wasn't even fully awake as he slowly slithered out of his bed and grabbed his coat. He was just thinking _'I hate Song Yunhyeong, I hate him to death and I wish he never existed and I wish I didn't care for him and I want to SLEEP'_ but he still trudged down the stairs, lazily stroking his cat (wait a second, he didn't have a cat...) for a moment who flopped over to him in confusion, shoving on his shoes, then he was walking out the door towards Yunhyeong who was already running over to him with excitement spilling from his aura like the twinkle of a million stars. "CHANWOO, CHANWOO, CHANWOO-"

Chanwoo raised an arm to clamp his hand around Yunhyeong's mouth as the elder came to a stop in front of him, staring at him with wide eyes. "Why."

Yunhyeong made a questioning noise and Chanwoo just gave him a look. It was a look that spoke all of his annoyance and Yunhyeong visibly drooped as he pushed Chanwoo's hand away. "Sorry...I was just really excited but I can go back-"

"No, I know you. You'll explode if you don't have someone to talk to, so let's go," Chanwoo said, shoving his hands in his pockets (oh, the book was in there) and he didn't get very far after he started walking before Yunhyeong caught up, linking an arm with one of Chanwoo's and huddling up to him slightly, like a sign of affectionate gratitude. Sometimes, it was like Yunhyeong was more of a cat than actual cats. And Chanwoo, in his tired state, leant his head against Yunhyeong's and muttered some stupid irrelevant thing about his day that had Yunhyeong laughing, holding Chanwoo tighter, and the younger smiled. "So, the interview? Which university?"

"You won't believe me," Yunhyeong said, eyes bright and Chanwoo shrugged.

"Maybe."

"SNU."

Chanwoo's eyes widened before he could stop himself and Yunhyeong clapped his hands like it was an instinct, laughing accusingly, "I knew you wouldn't!"

"No, no, I _do_...I just, wow. Are you seriously that smart?-"

"I'm surprised too, honestly, I don't think I deserve it," Yunhyeong muttered, lowering his head for a moment which made Chanwoo frown but then happy Yunhyeong was back in seconds. "I bet Hanbin's tutoring played a factor."

"Sure. But it was still mostly you, remember that, okay?"

Yunhyeong nodded, squeezing Chanwoo's arm and that was that.

Chanwoo didn't know how to feel. He was so happy, in one part of him. So _so_ happy because he wanted all of Yunhyeong's dreams to come true in every way possible and this would be a massive stepping stone towards that, if he did pass the interview, but then it was just all hitting Chanwoo like a brick: Yunhyeong was almost in _university_. He was _old_. He was going to leave Chanwoo alone, even if not quite alone but Yunhyeong was probably what Chanwoo would call a best friend.

_**\- best friend** _

_noun_

_noun: **best friend** ; plural noun: **best friends**_

_definition: **a person's closest friend**._

Chanwoo and Yunhyeong had never talked about the words 'best friend' before. It wasn't that they didn't like to, it just never came up, and now when they were nearing the park and Chanwoo knew that Yunhyeong was going to drag him over to the swings, obviously he couldn't just bring it up then too. But he could do something similar.

"I'll still mean something to you after you go off to a fancy university, right?

Yunhyeong stopped walking and Chanwoo blinked as he turned to Yunhyeong, question in his eyes as he saw the elder staring at him like he had seen a ghost. "What?"

"Did you seriously just ask that?"

"I think so."

"Chanwoo," Yunhyeong said quietly, almost cautiously as he pulled his arm out of Chanwoo's hold and stepped to be in front of the latter, holding onto Chanwoo's coat sleeves. His aura was domineering now. Crackling with determined energy. Almost, just almost charismatic. "You'll always mean something to me. Even if we lost contact, or we fell out, you'd always have a place in my heart and none of that is happening anyway so let's not be dramatic! I know that's hypocritical coming from me but...anyway. Of course you'll mean something to me, even if the world falls apart."

"It wasn't supposed to be that deep."

"It was a deep question."

"Which only required 'yes' or 'no'. You didn't even _have_ yes in your answer."

"I was- what- I wanted to alleviate your worries!"

"I wasn't worried, it was just a question."

"Questions can evoke life discussions, I think you're just uncultured-" Then Yunhyeong was walking straight into a lamp post and Chanwoo let out a snort of laughter that he would have never been able to stifle before he quickly slapped a hand over his mouth, biting his lip to stop himself as he crouched down next to Yunhyeong who was keeling over. "Holy fuck pardon my FRENCH-"

"And you called me uncultured," was the first thing that came out of Chanwoo's mouth and then he was giggling again as Yunhyeong threw him a glare and seethed, "I don't know about you but French is the _pinnacle_ of culture, swine."

"Are you seriously going to play off that you were speaking French..."

"Tu...es...un _frappadingue,_ " Yunhyeong said with much difficulty, grinning proudly when he was done and Chanwoo stared at him like he had killed his but not-his cat and insulted his clothes.

"You what?"

"I'll never tell you. Now you're going to suffer your entire life in suspense," Yunhyeong said brightly as he hopped up and, like the prediction, started pulling Chanwoo towards the park. "The swings are free, oh my _God-_ "

"Of course they're free, it's midnight," Chanwoo deadpanned but went after him anyway, and it was actually one of the most exhilarating feelings to run through a completely unlit park but as you ran through, one by one the streetlights came on around you like some kind of fairytale scene, and it was as simple as they were movement-controlled but Chanwoo still looked up in awe and Yunhyeong yelled out brightly, twirling like some kind of stilted ballerina as he held his arms out.

"We're the kings of this park!"

Whether Chanwoo agreed or not, there was one thing he knew for certain: Yunhyeong might be going to university soon but he was still the biggest kid Chanwoo knew.

-

_**Jiwon could see him. Junhoe. On the other side of the window, staring straight back at him. But he wasn't actually there, no, it was just Jiwon's imagination but he still brought up a hand and placed it against the cool glass that sent shivers down his spine once his skin met it. Then Junhoe did the same thing, and Jiwon's breath hitched when Junhoe's hand pressed against his. But there was glass between them. There was reality between them, and this wasn't real.** _

**_"If the real you were looking at me now," Jiwon whispered, his eyes never leaving Junhoe's as his hand slowly fell to his side, and so did Junhoe's, "would you walk away? Would you listen to someone else or your heart? Because I need your answer, Junhoe, I need your answer because I don't know mine."_ **

Chanwoo was lying down on the grass, holding the book above his head to read it as Yunhyeong slowly rocked on a swing next to him, sweeping the tips of his feet across the ground, all sorts of thoughts in his head. They were both cooling down after a vigorous run on all the equipment, with them having the worn-out but still always entertaining 'who can swing higher?!' contest (Yunhyeong had won which Chanwoo was just a _bit_ bitter about), having a go on the wrecked leapfrog that squeaked the neighbourhood down whenever they tried to spin on it but they didn't care, and truth and dare hopscotch where Yunhyeong ended up falling flat on his face when he was supposed to have said the name of his crush and Chanwoo had rushed to help, cackling a bit but he felt sympathetic enough to _not_ make Yunhyeong say the crush. Besides, Chanwoo already knew it was Hanbin. He just wanted confirmation.

The book was giving Chanwoo _emotions_ like it always did and it was stressful. It made him think about the times where he would wish Yunhyeong was there when he wasn't, and unrequited love may be upsetting but what about requited yet forbidden? Not even forbidden, just disdained. It hurt Chanwoo's heart so much to think that one day this might happen to him, that he or the guy he fell in love with might be too scared of the consequences to let them become something incredible.

_**"I don't know how to let go of you but sometimes I want to, to get you out of this mess."** _

"Chanwoo."

Chanwoo lowered his book, making a noise of acknowledgement as he looked at Yunhyeong who wasn't looking at him, only straight ahead, out onto the dark night. A few of the lights were turning off now because they weren't moving, but it was more special the less there were. They still brought out shadows along Yunhyeong's sharp edges. They still made the soft features glow. It made him a beacon in a swathe of darkness, which was a common thing for Yunhyeong even if he didn't know it himself.

"What's up?" Chanwoo asked, pushing himself up into a sitting position and Yunhyeong turned to face him by twisting the chains on the swing.

"I feel like at times like these, when I'm with you and it's late and there's no impending doom of death down to homework, the world is simple. Everything makes sense. I love that."

Chanwoo smiled, almost shy from the sweet depth of that. Should he be worried? Flattered? Maybe he thought the same thing, deep down somewhere. "That's cute."

"I bet with my sister that I'd kiss someone before I go to university."

Chanwoo blinked. Okay, this was uncharted territory. Sometimes they'd joke around, with Yunhyeong telling him about guys he found hot and squealing about some stuff that idols did, but they had never talked about stuff like crushes and kisses. Kisses. What the hell was Chanwoo supposed to think about _kisses?_ He had no idea what to say. "Um...cool. When?"

"A few years back. Before we were friends. I think I was just starting high school then, and we were only messing about but the bet was serious."

"If you lose?"

"I gotta give her my favourite scarf," Yunhyeong pouted, kicking his legs out sulkily and Chanwoo laughed in amazement.

"Are you kidding me? You love that thing, you'd protect it with your life."

"Exactly so that's why I _really_ want to win," Yunhyeong whined sadly, getting up only so he could get to Chanwoo, sitting down beside the guy and pulling his legs up to his chest, hugging them tightly. Chanwoo wanted to tease him, pull on his hair and say 'better get your scarf ready, you don't have enough game!' but he could feel that this was about to go into deeper waters so he sidled up a bit closer so their shoulders brushed.

"Do you not think you're going to win?"

"Well, I only have a few months, don't I?" Yunhyeong sighed, squishing his cheek against his knees and Chanwoo slipped an arm around his waist, knocking on the side of Yunhyeong's head.

"Come on, hyung, don't get all sad, it's not worth that. What do you get if you win?"

"I didn't ask for anything..."

"You're too soft," Chanwoo snorted, rolling his eyes and Yunhyeong smiled a little as he raised his head, and Chanwoo pulled him just a tiny bit closer. "Ask for anything. Ten boxes of Nivea, a paid dinner? If you win then it's gonna be breaking records for you, isn't it, because a first kiss is such a big thing and you need to celebrate somehow and-"

"I haven't even come out to my family yet," Yunhyeong mumbled, back to looking all kinds of negative as he bit his lip, hugging his legs tighter and Chanwoo was growing weary because he didn't know if he had enough energy left in him to keep lightening the conversation. "Even to my sister. Only you know. And even besides that, it's just not going to happen, is it? I just can't imagine me finding someone who I could actually kiss, that kind of thing just doesn't _happen_ to me. I'm that type of person who people will say is 'most likely to get married first' but then actually ends up alone for the rest of their life."

Yunhyeong's aura was weak. It was drooping, barely there and it wasn't even emanating that many negative emotions like sadness, it was just like Yunhyeong had given up. It was rare to see Yunhyeong like this, rare to the point that it targeted Chanwoo's own emotions and he wanted to fight an army, he wanted to get a whole line of suitors who'd kiss Yunhyeong. And Yunhyeong's face was close to his now. Or maybe it was Chanwoo who had gone closer. Yunhyeong was looking at him with his sad puppy dog eyes, sparkling with some kind of hope that Chanwoo would say something great because that was what Chanwoo always _did_. Chanwoo was lost, though, for once. Lost in Yunhyeong's eyes and his mind was completely blank meaning he was grasping for something out of nothing, but then the jarring noise of a phone ringing cut through the air and they both sprang apart.

"S-Sorry," Yunhyeong said quickly, looking away and Chanwoo shook his head as he searched through his pockets for his phone, finding it and grimacing when he saw who it was. He still had to answer it, sadly.

"Hi."

"Where are you?" his father said, his tone level and Chanwoo winced. "It's nearing one am. You have school today-"

"I'm at the park."

"You didn't think to tell me?"

"Didn't feel like it."

"Excuse me?"

"I'll be back," Chanwoo murmured to Yunhyeong as his father seemed to be muttering something obscene that was just _almost_ inaudible and Yunhyeong simply nodded as Chanwoo walked off, as far as he hoped out of earshot was. "Can you not? It's weird how you haven't realised that my respect for you isn't that big. I thought I'd have made it pretty clear by now."

"Get home. I'm not in the mood for this."

"I'm not ever in the mood for you but I still need to put up with it."

"I will cut that sharp tongue out of your mouth-"

"I'd rather you don't."

"I will."

"That's illegal."

" _Chanwoo._ "

"That's my name, you chose it. The only good choice you've ever made."

He heard a deep sigh on the other end and Chanwoo felt satisfied, waiting for a second to see if he'd get a reply but when there was only silence, he hung up. This was the only thing he could do, fight back as much as he could before his father could get a chance to hurt his feelings because wasn't showing signs of weakness the worst thing he could ever do in any situation? He was sure he had read that somewhere. It would put power into the wrong hands and Chanwoo was smart enough to not let that happen, especially when he had to step up the older he got.

He didn't need to be... _controlled_ , did he?

He might be under eighteen but he couldn't deal without freedom anymore. Freedom. Was that even really what he wanted? He just wanted to be his own boss, the reason why Yunhyeong was always teasing him that he'd suck at a part-time job.

He hadn't realised how long he had been standing there until someone was bashing into him slightly, linking their hands loosely and Chanwoo blinked out of his thoughts, looking at Yunhyeong who seemed like he had just been running. "What-"

"Let's go home," Yunhyeong said a little breathlessly, smiling at Chanwoo and the warmth in it had all the impact in softening Chanwoo up even though he was on hardset mode, but he _had_ to be on soft mode around Yunhyeong or he'd worry him. "My parents texted, they want me back."

"Yeah, this was probably a bad idea, huh?"

"Sure but I don't regret it."

Yunhyeong didn't let go of his hand the entire walk home, not that it was that long anyway, but it still made Chanwoo feel good inside. The streetlights lit their way home and Chanwoo wanted to keep Yunhyeong close forever, wrapped up in a moment that wasn't supposed to matter to either of them but it still did because Chanwoo didn't want to go home and leave spontaneous freedom behind. But Yunhyeong's smile when they reached his house said everything to do with 'its okay, it'll be okay' and even though Chanwoo already knew that, he started believing it a bit more.

"I'll see you tomorrow. Sorry for waking you up so late, I just forgot to think, I'm really so-"

"Go home and _sleep,_ " Chanwoo ordered gently, nudging Yunhyeong away from him and the elder smiled weakly as he nodded, squeezing Chanwoo's hand one last time before letting go, and with waves and quiet farewells, Yunhyeong was walking away with his glow that would always hit Chanwoo and warm him up, just by a look. And he didn't shake Yunhyeong out of his head as he took out his key and went into his house, wincing a little when he stubbed his toe on something because of the lack of lights that had been turned on. He could hear the television blaring from the living room so he cautiously walked over and peeked his head in only to sigh at the sight of his father stretched out across the sofa, mouth open, eyes closed, clearly asleep. Chanwoo crept inside and picked up the remote that was laying on the floor, watching his father the entire time as he slowly lowered the volume and when it seemed like the man wasn't going to wake up, he simply turned off the tv and left.

"Goodnight," Chanwoo mumbled as he returned with a blanket, draping it over the man who twitched a little, scrunching up his nose before rolling to the side. Chanwoo looked at him for a moment, trying to swallow down his emotions because he didn't want to dare let any stupid, unwelcome tears escape his eyes because why should he, when it wasn't worth it? He only dragged himself upstairs, freshening up before finally tumbling into his bed and checking his phone.

_one text from **thatniceguy**_

_\- yo yo yo yo it's yoyo_  
_\- ok this time i regret that_  
_\- sweet dreams though maybe we'll meet there!!_  
_\- love you lots n lots_

Yeah, Chanwoo didn't have a difficult time sleeping well. 

 

 

 

 

 

Chanwoo had no idea where Yunhyeong was, and he was thinking about that in bits and pieces because he was distracted from things that happened in the morning and Jinhwan was beside him now, telling him about the incident with the teacher that got Hanbin all mad. Chanwoo was listening, definitely listening, and Jinhwan was ridiculously cute when he got heated. His vocabulary was kind of poor at points and sometimes he'd just silently fester for a few seconds before continuing and Chanwoo really wanted to pet his head.

"Hanbin was like, like a _firecracker_. Why would he want to fight for my honour like that?! Ugh he's so annoying, I love him but now he's got detention and all sorts which he doesn't deserve, he's one of the top students!" Jinhwan yelped, slamming a fist down on the table which made the desks jump a little and Chanwoo blinked in surprise, wincing when the desk moved against the arm he was resting on it. "So stupid. You think he's stupid too, right?"

"Sure."

To be honest, Chanwoo didn't really know Hanbin. Hanbin was a person that he found really cool and hard-working, and they weren't close at all but Yunhyeong liked him a lot which was how Chanwoo had _some_ sort of connection with him. Chanwoo didn't feel jealous because he wasn't really that type, he just...felt a little empty when he'd see Yunhyeong lighting up at something Hanbin said, or when they'd get a bit too close for comfort in Chanwoo's books. He didn't understand the emptiness, but he felt proud too. If Yunhyeong and Hanbin ended up dating by the end of the year then Chanwoo really couldn't be happier for them.

"You get me. Yeah, you get me. Maybe I should just let it go though, it's been a while now," Jinhwan sighed, patting Chanwoo's arm which made Chanwoo have to clench his fist to stop from flinching, and maybe he would have replied if they didn't hear familiar laughs reach their ears from familiar people entering the room. There was the emptiness again...but Chanwoo only moved back to his seat and let Hanbin and Yunhyeong go over to Jinhwan who'd settle into the conversation in no time, no doubt, but Chanwoo couldn't do that. He didn't know if he even _wanted_ to. So he just pulled out his book, and tried his best to block them out.

_**It was a feeling of gentle euphoria to be the centre of Junhoe's attention. To have his arms around Jiwon's waist, to have them talking in hushed whispers, soft hesitant touches with the most beautiful shy smile, and Jiwon loved it all. He wanted it to be real. But at school, in places of public, at times when they weren't shrouded in darkness and completely alone, Junhoe would always be laughing with someone else with a different but still radiant smile and that twinkle in his eyes that Jiwon had stupidly fallen in love with; it made him feel so empty. Empty in the way that the raw love that usually filled him up felt like a figment of his imagination.** _

Chanwoo had to stop reading for a moment, completely mind-blown. "How the fuck..."

And then there was an arm sliding around him, someone sitting down and cuddling into his side as they said a muffled, "I haven't seen you all _day,_ " and Chanwoo's heart did something weird. No way was the emptiness he was feeling the same one that Jiwon was feeling. Nuh-uh, no, Chanwoo would deny that with his _life_.

Yunhyeong stayed with him instead of going back and Chanwoo's mind was mostly elsewhere so he couldn't appreciate it as much as he usually would have (secretly). He was quiet as Yunhyeong told him about the struggles he had waking up in the morning, laughing about 'why were we such idiots to go out so late?!' and Chanwoo shrugged, deciding to interject something small and he smiled faintly when Yunhyeong laughed harder. He didn't expect the guy to notice his withdrawal and he didn't seem to, not even before the teacher came in to register him and Yunhyeong squeezed his hand goodbye. That was fine, that was good. He never wanted Yunhyeong to worry about him.

Class one, Maths.

The numbers were jumping out at him. He didn't feel like he was reading them right, was he allowed to blame it on weariness? He could only hear the people around him and it wasn't letting him focus on what was in his textbook, nor the pen in his hand. He stayed still, his ears unconsciously alert as they picked up someone saying, "Ugh, I wish I wasn't so dumb...can't understand a single thing."

_"Be smart for a second. I didn't raise you to be dumb."_

_"I'm not dumb."_

_"I know so why can't you use your brain for something better than challenging your father?"_

_"That's because I'm not trying t— WOAH-"_

He shook his head, pushing his throbbing arm under the lecture desk as he went back to trying to understand the moving numbers.

Class Two, English.

Or, it would have been, if Chanwoo had been able to actually get to the classroom.

He was hyperaware, and he knew that. He didn't want to get hurt, so his strides had shortened and his breaths were baited, and he didn't know what this feeling was, this feeling of being frightened of something that he knew wouldn't be frightening when it actually happened. Accidentally hitting his leg on the wall a little, not scary, quite normal, but he was terrified of something like that happening. And his heart very nearly fell out of his mouth when someone crashed into him from behind and even though he would never, he wanted to cry.

_"Son...Chanwoo, wait, please, I'm-"_

_"Please don't touch me..."_

"Ahhh, sorry, Chanwoo, I mistimed that," a familiar voice said, making their way to stand next to him and Chanwoo didn't look at him. "You okay? Didn't shake you up that much, right?"

_"I need to take you to school-"_

_"I wouldn't challenge you if I didn't hate how your mind works. One day you'll say something that makes sense and I won't challenge you but that day hasn't come yet, so stop shoving your ideals down my throat, I'm sick of it."_

"Chanwoo?"

_"Chanwoo, I'm sorry. Please, don't smart-mouth me, let me take you to school."_

_"I'd rather walk a million miles than half an hour in a car with you."_

"Hey," Yunhyeong's soft voice murmured as he wrapped his arms around one of Chanwoo's and, from being off guard, Chanwoo yelped out and Yunhyeong quickly let go, eyes wide. "W-What- oh my God. Are you _hurt?"_

Chanwoo winced, and this time it wasn't from pain. "Hyung-"

"No, Jung Chanwoo, don't argue with me," Yunhyeong said firmly, furrowing his eyebrows as he took hold of Chanwoo's hand, maybe for the billionth time in the one thousand one hundred and sixty-seven days they'd known each other (roughly), and he tugged on it delicately. "Come on."

Chanwoo sighed, and he had no choice but to follow. He realised immediately that Yunhyeong wasn't taking him to their English class and he was about to object but he didn't want to cut into Yunhyeong's flow like this, so he just stayed silent as they neared a bathroom and Yunhyeong looked both ways to make sure the halls were empty before he pushed the door open and pulled Chanwoo inside.

"This is pointless, you know that?" Chanwoo asked with a raised eyebrow even as he decided to humour Yunhyeong, sitting down heavily on the marbled floor with his legs out in front of him and back against the wall, and Yunhyeong knelt down beside him with his stupidly stubborn, worried face. Yunhyeong's guardian angel mode reached everyone and everything, nothing could ever escape him if he realised it needed help and Chanwoo felt defeated already.

"Can I?" Yunhyeong asked, tugging at his blazer and Chanwoo nodded, sitting forward a little as Yunhyeong slipped off his blazer (which Chanwoo honestly could have easily done himself but Yunhyeong wasn't having it), folding it up into a neat square on his lap and Chanwoo was a bit more reluctant when Yunhyeong reached out to try and roll up his shirtsleeve.

"You can't do anything," Chanwoo said as a stupid attempt to dash Yunhyeong's worries but the elder looked at him pointedly, his gaze not wavering once and Chanwoo sighed as he let go of his sleeve and let Yunhyeong do whatever the hell he wanted. At these times, Chanwoo didn't believe that this was the dude who had such weak mentality that he let an opponent 'bully' him down into tripping over his feet at the same time he swung a cricket bat very badly, resulting in hitting himself in the face with the ball plunging into his stomach (that was _not_ a pretty moment).

Chanwoo hated the small, heartbroken 'oh' that left Yunhyeong's mouth when his arm was bared, revealing the angry red of a semi-fresh bruise. It was the only place that had some visible sore, even though his whole right side was in pain but if he revealed that information then Yunhyeong might have a meltdown. It was a soft, tingly feeling when the tips of the pads of Yunhyeong's fingers brushed up and down the bruise gently, and Chanwoo wanted to ask 'are you trying to do some voodoo healing here' but Yunhyeong's eyes were shining, the moment felt intimate, and he kept his mouth shut.

"I'm sorry," was the first thing Yunhyeong said as he shuffled closer, sitting cross-legged next to him, his knees bumping against Chanwoo's side. "I'll- I'll help. In a second. Just let me mourn."

"I haven't died, hyung," Chanwoo reassured half-amusedly, patting Yunhyeong's thigh but the elder still looked so desolate as the warmth seeping from his fingers actually seemed to help the pain and Chanwoo felt a bit amazed.

"When?"

"Just, before school."

Yunhyeong nodded, eyes completely trained on the bruise and Chanwoo rolled his own eyes. "I know what you want to do."

"Do you?"

"Of course I do."

"Can I?"

"Did you really just-"

"Well I'm just grabbing the opportunity to put it _out_ there-"

"Go ahead," Chanwoo sighed, and he shook his head when Yunhyeong immediately pulled his arm up and pressed his lips to the bruise and God, they were warm, and now Chanwoo's face was warm as _well_ and he wanted to slap it to stop it from smiling so uncontrollably. "I still stand by the fact that 'kissing something better' is _not_ _real._ "

"Then maybe it's just the sentiment, Chan, think about that," Yunhyeong bit back, sticking out his tongue and Chanwoo snorted, watching Yunhyeong kiss his bruise one last time before he let the arm go and started rummaging around in his bag. Chanwoo had seen the guy patch up people who had fell off their bikes more than once, usually being the person next to him to be some kind of un-glamorous assistant, so he wasn't surprised to see the small bottle of antiseptic cream.

"Ouch," Chanwoo deadpanned when Yunhyeong so,  _so_ slowly squirted the cream onto his arm, and Yunhyeong narrowed his eyes at him. "No need to treat me like a broken doll, doctor."

Yunhyeong flushed a little for a reason that Chanwoo really couldn't think of, he was probably just embarrassed, before going a little quicker and Chanwoo looked up from his arm, smiling at the sight of the top of Yunhyeong's head as he focused all of his attention down. Chanwoo wanted to reach out and pat his head, to soothe him that everything was okay. He didn't do that.

"So what happened? Did you bash yourself? Fall?" Yunhyeong asked in worry, pulling Chanwoo's sleeve back down when he had rubbed in the cream. "Someone push you? Oh my God, if anyone laid a _hand_ on you, I will-" Then Yunhyeong's eyes widened. "Wait...your dad-"

"Hyung, wait," Chanwoo said, fixing Yunhyeong with a stare that was instantly making him shut up. "My father's not a... _villain_ , okay? Please stop thinking he is. Please stop giving me so much love because you don't think I get any."

He could feel Yunhyeong's baited breath, sense the elder waiting for him to continue and elaborate, and Chanwoo had been planning to simply end there so it threw him off a little. He tried his best though, to draw up more words that made sense. "He didn't hit me, I promise. He would never. We just don't see eye to eye and maybe, maybe he really knows how to make me unhappy but...I know he cares. His actions do say that sometimes. Deep down, it's...somewhere. His love for me." And Chanwoo felt for a second like some kind of ghost had passed through him, and he closed his eyes for a moment which made him realise how wet they were.

This was what emotions in an empty school bathroom do to you.

"Okay," Yunhyeong said, his voice soft as he took hold of Chanwoo's hand with both of his, tender and apologetic. He didn't need to be sorry, but Chanwoo didn't want to open his mouth again. "That's fine, I didn't mean to...it's strange."

"What is?"

"Hearing you be protective of him. Because sure, I was worried that he didn't love you but I know you better so I was worried that you didn't love _him,_ " Yunhyeong clarified, rubbing Chanwoo's cold hand into somewhere on the spectrum of warmth. Then Yunhyeong was smiling. "But now I know you do. And it makes me happy."

Chanwoo opened his mouth even though he didn't know what to say but Yunhyeong wasn't done speaking and Chanwoo didn't mind that, since there were times where he felt like he wouldn't mind listening to Yunhyeong speak all day when the guy had certain auras that blocked out everything else, making him seem like a sole star with importance and meaning radiating from him. Chanwoo really did find him a tad bit incredible.

_**"It's like the stars dim when he's around, and I don't know why," Jiwon hummed into the dark sky. "Or I'm pretending I don't know why, because the truth is too exquisite for me too handle."** _

"You were really wrong about one thing, though. I don't give you love because I think you don't get any elsewhere, I just _love_ you. It's only as simple as it sounds, there's no weird attachments to it or ulterior motives. You did that! _You_ made me love you."

"You're too great, hyung," Chanwoo mumbled, pressing Yunhyeong's hands against his cheek and in the corner of his eye, he could see Yunhyeong smiling at him gently, his fingers curling slightly to brush against his skin over and over like some kind of soothing pact. Chanwoo wanted to close his eyes and let Yunhyeong hold him and card his hands through his hair but that was probably weird. "It's really annoying."

"You can't just _give_ a compliment, can you?" Yunhyeong asked amusedly, pulling his hand away only to sit back next to Chanwoo, laying his leg over one of the younger's. He turned his head to look at Chanwoo and their eyes locked, and Yunhyeong probably thought that they were exchanging all sorts of emotions between the eye contact while Chanwoo just thought, _his irises are like...a pretty shade of coffee_ and he forgot to realise that coffee wasn't a colour, and that he should probably be looking away. Instead, another thought invaded a little which made him smile and Yunhyeong gave him a curious look. "What?"

"I can't believe it."

"What?!"

"Song Yunhyeong's skipping class."

Yunhyeong frowned, punching Chanwoo's shoulder lightly as the younger laughed, curling his arm around Yunhyeong's. "This is for a _good reason_ , idiot, you-"

"No no I get it but, you shouldn't do it again. It's weird how unbothered you are about it, please don't become a delinquent for me, okay?" Chanwoo asked, grinning when Yunhyeong poked him in the stomach after burying into him like some kind of hamster, wrapping his arms around Chanwoo's middle. It felt so comfortable and right that Chanwoo never really wanted either of them to move.

"Life just doesn't make sense, does it?"

Chanwoo looked down at Yunhyeong, confused. "Where did that come from?"

"I don't know. I'm just thinking. So many things happen, but why do they happen? I always try and find reasons for them because yeah, the world doesn't make sense but I like to try and _make_ it make sense, even if it means lying to myself a little. Lying by omission. Lying by bending the truth. Lying by sugar-coating. Only to myself. It just makes things easier to swallow because life is so hard."

"That...well-"

"Makes sense?"

"Yeah. I probably do the same thing. I like understanding why things happen."

"I know you do. That's why we're a great match," Yunhyeong said smugly, squeezing Chanwoo who rolled his eyes, resting his chin on top of Yunhyeong's head. His hair was tickly but soft, the qualities cancelled each other out.

"So, what _did_ happen then?"

"Well, me and my dad were fighting while I was on the stairs then he got too close and I tripped," Chanwoo sighed, stretching out his arms and he winced a little. "No big deal."

"You need to talk to him one day. Talk this all out, and you can't be snappy and snide during it," Yunhyeong advised and Chanwoo shrugged.

"Neither of us are good at that. Even just initiating it is hard."

"So you want to simmer in animosity forever?"

"It's not that I want to, it's that I think I _have_ to. If someone pulls at the thread we're hanging by, I think we'll both shatter."

Yunhyeong frowned, bringing his head up to look at Chanwoo as he said with sad eyes, "I really hope it gets better, Chan," and Chanwoo nodded, smiling faintly as he tugged Yunhyeong so he'd go back to laying on him again.

"I know, I know you do."

It wasn't long until the bell rang for the next lesson and they snapped out of the little bubble they were in. Chanwoo wanted to stay but Yunhyeong had snapped out of it by then and dragged him out before leaving with blowing a kiss goodbye that Chanwoo wondered if he should dodge or not. He took too long in the end and he knew that he was already contaminated by Yunhyeong-cooties.

Class three, Food Tech. With good ol' Jinhwan.

" _Blowtorch,_ " Jinhwan revelled in amazement as Chanwoo nodded next to him, both their eyes wide and they just stared at the metal miracle for a good while until the teacher called out, "Ten minutes gone, students!" and Jinhwan yelled, running off to grab the ingredients while Chanwoo took hold of the blowtorch, holding it at arm's length.

"Woah..."

While examining it, he pressed the trigger without realising before screaming when a spurt of orange came out and he quickly dropped the thing, hiding behind Jinhwan since the guy was coming back. Jinhwan blinked in confusion.

"I-I-It's _alive,_ " Chanwoo whispered, clutching onto Jinhwan's hoodie tightly and Jinhwan's eyes widened as he spread out his small arms to protect Chanwoo, slowly taking a step back.

"We gotta approach it easy, and slow."

"It's like a baby dragon."

"Maybe...we should use it another time."

Jinhwan turned his head and they both exchanged a firm nod before Jinhwan was jumping to the side and Chanwoo sprinted at the blowtorch, yelling, "NOT TODAY, SATAN" as he pummelled it back at the equipment rack and Jinhwan hollered a war cry, giving him a high five that they missed very patriotically.

"Chan, taste," Jinhwan said twenty minutes later when they had actually ended up doing something and Chanwoo walked over, taking a sip from the spoon Jinhwan was holding up and he rolled the sauce around his tongue. Not Yunhyeong Standard but still good, a high improvement from what either him or Jinhwan had been able to do at the start of the year.

"It's actually real good."

"Really? Yes!" Jinhwan cheered, throwing a tight hug at Chanwoo and the latter only had time to pat his head before Jinhwan was going back to the sauce with focused, narrowed eyes, his other hand reaching for the pepper. "Now it's time to make it fucking amazing."

Chanwoo really couldn't stop smiling. Jinhwan was weirdly amazing at putting him in a good mood, and it reminded him of something.

_**"The thing just blursted out of nowhere like POW and I was like 'war cry ASSEMBLE' and I was ready to fight, okay, I was very very ready but then it just turned out to be my dog and I almost cried," Junhoe ended in a mumble and Jiwon was just laughing his head off, teetering off of the bench dangerously, and there were tears in his eyes and butterflies in his stomach when Junhoe gave him a shy, reluctant smile before looking at the ground, swinging his legs back and forth. Junhoe was nonsensical and beautiful and there wasn't even a moment where Jiwon didn't feel elated to be with him. Unless he was feeling like Romeo with his Juliet (since Junhoe's a guy...Julio?) slipping between his fingers every second, but that was different.** _

The teacher always came at the wrong moments. Like when they were reciting lines from Die Hard with carrots and grapes ("YIPPIE-KI-YAY, MOTHER-" "Jung Chanwoo?" "-trucker. Mothertrucker, I was to say. Hi, sir!"), or when Chanwoo was lying on the floor with his head under the table as he looked for the ladle he dropped, or when Jinhwan got his hand stuck in the freezer and Chanwoo had to keep distracting the teacher with wit and charm during it, which was mostly just him manipulating the teacher to talk about his all time favourite subject: avocados. Yunhyeong needed to learn a thing or two from him.

"Hyung," Chanwoo said as he sat on top of the counter and swung his legs, both of them having finished the dishes ten minutes early, and Jinhwan had climbed onto the opposite counter to sit on it cross-legged. He looked smaller than ever. "Do you know that kind of feeling, of feeling empty most of the time? Where life doesn't really seem worth much in the moment?"

"I think so. I don't want _you_ to feel that way, though," Jinhwan said worriedly and Chanwoo shrugged.

"I don't quite know if it's a bad feeling. It doesn't feel completely negative, it just feels like...nothingness."

"I think you're just not as happy as you need to be. You need to find more things that make you happy, Chanwoo, or eliminate the things that don't," Jinhwan said and Chanwoo looked at the ground. He _wished_ it was that easy. "Is something going on between you and Yunhyeong?"

Chanwoo blinked in alarm, snapping his head up to look at Jinhwan. "What? Why do you think that?"

"It's just a guess. You seem...withdrawn around him sometimes."

"We're fine, though-"

"Do you ever feel in a way, that you don't deserve him?" Jinhwan queried, his eyes flickering with intimidating curiosity that had Chanwoo frozen for a moment as he wondered where on earth this question had come from. Though of course there was only one answer, between all the times Yunhyeong seemed too good to be true, and Chanwoo didn't want to lie in this spontaneous heart-to-heart.

"Yeah..."

"What if that's one of the problems? You can't feel insecure like that around your best friend, that's stupid." Jinhwan hopped off of the counter then, going up to Chanwoo and patting his knee. Chanwoo looked at his open, kind face and he had this kind of urge to poke Jinhwan's cheek because he looked so sweet. "He's great, and so are you. You're really great. You now know how to cook spaghetti and I'm so proud of you for that."

"No," Chanwoo disagreed, taking hold of Jinhwan's wrist, " _we_ now know how to cook spaghetti."

And Jinhwan beamed at him, right when the teacher called out that time was up, and Chanwoo didn't feel empty at all.

In the end, they got fourth place in the class for their food with an A grade and Jinhwan looked so wearily happy after all that and it made Chanwoo's heart warm, especially when Jinhwan caught him up in another big hug, this time for victory. They left the classroom happily, Chanwoo's arm around Jinhwan's shoulders as they talked about embarrassing Yunhyeong and Hanbin moments.

"Do you know that Hanbin once bet an entire card collection on the fact that he could peel an orange with his nose?"

"Oh my God, the idiot."

"He lost it all, of course he did. But I got it back with a few smouldering looks and flirtatious antics," Jinhwan said sweetly, fluttering his eyelashes at Chanwoo who snorted, shaking his head in amazement.

"That reminds me, Yunhyeong-hyung flirted with a guy for two months just so he could try and find out information for a school project."

"You're _kidding._ "

"He felt so bad about it but, sadly, 'twas the only way. We're both praying 24/7 that he never bumps into him again. Especially not when his family's around, God that'd be a disaster."

They laughed together as they walked down the hall, and Chanwoo grinned as he realised just how cute Jinhwan was. They didn't see Yunhyeong spotting them and his eyes brightening at the sight of Chanwoo, about to hurry towards him until he saw how animated he seemed with Jinhwan. So Yunhyeong stayed behind, happy that Chanwoo looked happy, and he didn't want to ruin it.

_**'If he's happy then it's okay,' Jiwon thought, smiling faintly as he watched Junhoe in the distance talking to the girl, his eyes bright, face glowing. 'It's not like I need to be the cause of his happiness, right? The world's already been telling me for ages that it's best if I'm not.'** _

 

 

 

 

 

For Korean, they were supposed to be writing a page on a book that meant something to them and explaining why. And since Chanwoo had only really been reading one book recently and it was all that sprung to mind, he decided to choose that even if it would give his teacher a heart attack but oh well.

He was in the field by the park, sitting on the grass as he annotated lines of the book which stuck out to him with pencil. The book was by an anonymous author, it didn't say his name, but it said that it was based off of a true story and there was a faded note in small print in the last page of the book.

_My beautiful boyfriend, hopefully one day husband. It hasn't even been that long since this time, huh? I cried tons writing this, you know that more than anyone, and I still haven't said a good enough thank you for all the times I made you go down memory lane to bad times as well as all the good but I will! It's on my to-do-list!_

_I told you our love story was worth sharing, to help others out who might go through what we did, and I also just really wanna see the look on your face when we read it together. I still can't believe you made this happen, this was all you._

_Love you, angel. Thank you for...choosing me. You didn't need to. You really didn't. But you did, and I'm still mind blown, you know? I know it's too cheesy to say this but you've made me the happiest man alive._

In near to no time, Chanwoo was caught up in reading again rather than analysing. He loved this book so _much_ , he had realised, in the way that it was so heartbreakingly pure and innocent in a world that wasn't. He related to the fear of being outed, of being bullied and hated for sexuality, and it made him think that he really wasn't alone in this. And this book gave him hope that one day, he'd be able to find a relationship as beautiful as Jiwon and Junhoe's. Well, without all the mindless pining and dramatic dynamics and stress.

**favourite quotes (not in order)**

_**\- "I once believed it. Believed I was damaged and wrong but because it feels like loving you is the most right thing I've done in my life, it's all changed. You make me feel like I'm more whole than I've ever felt."** _  
_\- it's just so beautiful? reminds me of the time I came out to Yun-hyung, the first person, n I said that I was starting to feel like I was in the right and I remember, I really remember him holding my hand really tight._

**_\- 'If I'm not gay,' Jiwon thought helplessly, 'then why do I want to stare at him for the rest of my life and fucking slam into him, gently, with kisses?'_ **  
_\- FOURTEEN YEAR OLD ME WHEN I SAW PARK HYUNGSIK OH MY GOD_

_**\- Was it a plane? Was it a bird? No, it was Junhoe snoring and Jiwon was about to never kiss him again and shove him out the window while he was at it.** _  
_\- Sleepovers With Yunhyeong ™_

**_\- Let the cards say what they say, since I've dealt my hand blind. No folding since you're in my sight and darling, I'm going all in tonight. Nothing breaks like a heart but nothing loves you like me._ **  
_\- Poet Junhoe is so angsty and pretty_

In the story, Jiwon did have a best friend called Donghyuk and Chanwoo would always pore over the extracts including them both to see if they were similar to him and Yunhyeong but not really. They were more alike to Jiwon and Junhoe, in the skinship, the exchanges of glances and smiles, even the words. The thought had Chanwoo's chest tightening as if his heart was squeezing, feeling something, and trying to tell him something at the same time. It hurt a little. Not a lot. It was that burn Chanwoo liked after drinking something fizzy, that twinge whenever Yunhyeong would hold his hand too tight and his nails might dig a little.

One line sprung out to him. It was something that Jiwon was saying to Junhoe who had said to him with a heavy heart, _**"Hyung, maybe we should end this."**_

_**"Junhoe, you instantly lose in love when you don't realise it for what it is."** _

He opened up his bag and took out his laptop, sitting cross legged as he set it on his lap and searched up the name of the book. _'Hypothesis: Do I Love Him?'_ At first he didn't expect much because a _Korean_ book following a prominent _gay_ theme with an _anonymous_ author, come on. How would that get big? But...boy, did the internet prove him wrong. An LGBT+ pride anthem in book form, winner and nominee of global awards, news articles and protests just about a _book_ , and Chanwoo found out that it had originally been written in English, even though the story was indeed set in South Korea, and the book had been released and promoted in America. But promoted by who? This author was still, ultimately, anonymous so...

Subtle detective skills were things that Chanwoo really liked to entertain so he searched up the publishing company that the book had been published under and raised his eyebrows when he realised that it was one he recognised. Rose Thorns. A global company, initially based in Korea, not as famous as the Big Five but well-known enough. A company that had a family legacy. So he pushed more, clicking all sorts of things until he finally saw it.

_Current CEO: Koo Junhoe_

Junhoe.

Holy hell.

"Okay, don't...don't get ahead of yourself. More facts needed," Chanwoo mumbled to himself as he typed in 'Koo Junhoe' in the search bar and sucked in a breath. He saw pictures and damn, that man was surely as beautiful as Jiwon made him out to be but the second thing his eyes caught was the latest news article, one just from last month.

_CEO of Rose Thorns, Koo Junhoe, and his still-anonymous boyfriend lay low with 'secret' wedding in America._

Still-anyonymous boyfriend. Come on, media, of course it was Jiwon. It had to be Jiwon. Chanwoo would _cry_ if it wasn't Jiwon.

And when he closed his eyes, his imagination ran about, working its magic until he could see them. The beautiful man he had seen online but through Jiwon's eyes, meaning his hair down and messy, big jumpers and worn ripped jeans, and then another man with twinkly dark eyes, an eyebrow piercing, his hair scraped back into a ponytail. Chanwoo could only see them when what he really wanted to do was ask them a million questions about everything, about how they dealt with a hostile community, homophobic parents, how they were able to stick with each other without destroying everything else, how they were able to be so _perfect_ because Chanwoo was honestly starting to think that he would never, ever be able to find a healthy relationship in this godforsaken world. He didn't think that a lot. He didn't even think about _dating_ that much because that wasn't his main aspiration in life but sometimes it would just hit him.

_It's not going to happen, is it?_

And it was a real, real dampener.

Jiwon and Junhoe were fading now. Chanwoo didn't want them to go so he tried to keep them there, present in his mind as he lay back down on the grass and smiled as the grass blades brushed against his neck. It reminded him of the times where Yunhyeong would sneak up to him to tickle any of his bared skin with grass or leaves, trying to pretend he was slick and stealthy. Chanwoo would either roll his eyes or humour him a little with laughter.

"See, you're thinking about him again."

Chanwoo jolted a little - or well, his real self didn't. But his _dream_ self kinda, maybe did. Because looking straight at him were Junhoe and Jiwon, arms crossed and eyebrows raised. Their poses were mirroring each other. They were both a little fuzzy since Chanwoo's imagination couldn't fill in all the gaps, and Jiwon had a mouth-mask on. But they seemed so goddamn familiar.

"Look at him, he's frozen," Jiwon laughed, ruffling dream Chanwoo's hair which was such a strange feeling. Chanwoo was getting shivers. "So awed to be in our presence."

"We _are_ quite great."

"No lie there."

"We aaaareeee the dreeeeam spiritssss-"

"Babe, you sound like a snake-"

"Can you just- _let_ me do my thing?" Junhoe grumbled, glaring at Jiwon who raised his arms, backing up a little.

"Sorry, sorry."

"So we're dream spirits who are visiting you because it seems like you need us," Junhoe said in a more normal voice, grinning and Chanwoo didn't quite process the words straight away. "Well, that's not actually true at all, your mind's what made us up and we're just figments of your imagination and all that but it's like your brain's triggering images for help, you know, so now we're here."

"We...started at the bottom now we're-"

"Hyung, I'm _this_ close to cutting off your nose-"

"I don't need help, though," Chanwoo said in confusion, a little weirded out and a lot awestruck, and Junhoe frowned while Jiwon whooped, wrapping an arm around Chanwoo's shoulders.

"Yes, no work for us, so let's just _hang_ like what's your favourite ice-cream, Chanwoo? Let's get to know each other. Mine's mint choc chip. It's actually not. Or it might be. Since you don't know this and I'm only a product of your mind then I don't know either."

"Yunhyeong-hyung likes mint choc chip."

"Aha! There we go again!" Junhoe yelled in victory, pointing at Chanwoo who blinked. "Again with Yunhyeong."

"Yeah, he's...my best friend so-"

"I know, I know but I'm talking about _generally_. You've got to understand that you speak of him a lot, and always...fondly."

"I remember when you used to speak of _me_ fondly," Jiwon sighed, looking at Junhoe with sad heart eyes and the way that Junhoe looked so ready to clock Jiwon in was really quite funny. Chanwoo _loved_ them, he just remembered. Honest to God adored them, he should be acting like a fanboy right now but he just wanted to watch them bicker forever. "Back when it was young love and you found me amazing and great and everything you wanted in life."

"Yes...that," Junhoe said, giving Chanwoo a look while nodding and Chanwoo blinked, wondering if he was supposed to be picking up on something. "That's totally what I...um...thought. When I spoke of you fondly."

"Wait, seriously?" Jiwon asked in amazement, looking like he had won the jackpot but Junhoe ignored him as he kept focusing on Chanwoo.

"When you speak of someone fondly, there's always a reason. Isn't there?"

"I guess. But- but it's not like you and Jiwon, it's different. Really different."

"Are you sure?" Junhoe asked with a raised eyebrow but his voice had a soft edge. It reminded Chanwoo a bit of nursery school teachers or nannies, where their voice would take that kind of slow, gentle tone to make things seem a little less difficult. And Junhoe's character in the book might show a chock full of hard edges but his soft lines were showing now, just at a low intensity and it was amazing. "Because some things can seem more similar than you instantly think them to be."

Chanwoo woke up with a start.

The air was cold. The sky was dark, not like it hadn't darkened considerably when he had been there in the first place but it was late, he could sense it was late. He sat up in a hurry, quickly gathering all of his things and sighing in relief when he realised nothing had been stolen, then he hastily packed it all up before going on his way, rubbing his head and still reeling a little from that dream or whatever it was. What had Junhoe been trying to tell him? Or what had...his own mind?...been trying to tell him? He wanted to decode it but he was too busy worrying about how his fa- _shit._

The light was on in his house. He could see it from the end of the street. His father wasn't working late. He was home. Meaning Chanwoo was done for.

He had no idea how to avoid it. There was the possibility that he could go to Yunhyeong's house and no matter how nice that would be, it'd raise suspicions. If he ran away - well, wouldn't that just raise even _more_ suspicions? All he could do was brave it and if worse came to wear then he always had his own cards to play so with his book held tight in his hand like some kind of metaphorical shield and his bag slung over his shoulder, he walked down, unlocked the door, and he almost tripped when he heard the gravelly voice say, "Well done for finally remembering you live here."

Chanwoo exhaled, inhaled, then turned to close the door and he didn't turn back around for a moment. "I'm sorry I'm late."

"Where were you? Off at a club, running off with some guy? Huh?" his father asked with a hardset tone which held a very quiet form of sadness that Chanwoo didn't catch because he could only turn to stare back at the man in disbelief.

"I literally do _nothing_ , you _know_ I prefer to stay inside and read or do work or whatever but yet you still think I'm doing all sorts of things like drugs and-"

"You think I'm not allowed to assume? Do you think I don't know that you don't see me as someone you should listen to?"

"So you think that just because I don't listen to you, I'll do the exact opposite of everything you say? Rich. I don't live just to defy you, I live for myself."

"What's that in your hands? It's that infernal book again, isn't it?"

"W-What?" Chanwoo stuttered, thrown off by the topic even though he knew that he should've said something like 'changing the subject, are we?' but he had shown weakness and his stone walls were cracking now. He tried to hide the book a little but he couldn't save it when his father moved forward and tore it out of his hands, making Chanwoo yell out.

"I don't understand this. Or you. Or why anyone would-" The man cut himself off, shaking his head as he looked at the book with furrowed eyebrows and Chanwoo just wanted it back, his father was tainting it. "I don't want you reading this."

Chanwoo had never seen more red. "You _what-_ "

"It's not good for you," his father deadpanned and the next part was something that happened in movies, the part where it was all in slow-motion and the protagonists were limb-locked while it all happened - and Chanwoo _couldn't_ believe it was happening. He knew his father was bad, but not _evil villain_ bad. Not _terrible_ bad. But the book on the floor, in pieces, said otherwise and Chanwoo's lungs squeezed so painfully, his breaths growing heavy as he took a step back and shook his head. "There. It's gone-"

"Do you realise what you just did?" Chanwoo asked, his voice catching a little and he knew that his eyes were starting to fill up but he let them, he didn't care anymore. "Doing that, you just...you j-just tore _me_ apart. You just threw me away. I don't- I'm _gay_ , Dad, not trash. People are gay, people are a lot of things, so many, why are you singling me out for only one of the things I am? Why can't you love me? What did I do, what did I ever do wrong?!"

The man didn't answer and now it was there, only now were his eyes clearing and the regret was there as clear as day. But Chanwoo was sick of it. He was sick of giving him chance after chance after chance, he was sick of the way he felt bad every day and how such normal, small signs of appreciation or something positive that his father would show him made Chanwoo so overwhelmingly happy when it shouldn't, it should just seem ordinary. He wished he hadn't defended him to Yunhyeong in the bathroom the other day. He didn't want to deal with this anymore, he didn't want to deal with the constant fear of failure and undermining, so he took out his last card that he had left to play. "I'm calling Aunt Mai. I don't want to live here anymore."

It was so silent for a second that perhaps you could hear a pin drop.

"Stop it. You don't mean that," his father said but his voice was higher, clearly more vulnerable, and the uncertainty made Chanwoo feel powerful. But he didn't want to feel powerful. He was okay with just feeling wretched.

"I do. I mean it one hundred percent. I'll have to stay the night but in ten hours, I'm gone."

And Chanwoo walked straight past him and up the stairs, ignoring the calls as he kept moving like a robot, all the way to his room until he fell face-first on the bed, just laying there and letting himself slowly suffocate.

"We're still here in your head, kid," Chanwoo could distantly hear Jiwon say and Chanwoo smiled gently but then there were tears in his eyes and all of a sudden, he couldn't stop himself from crying. Soft crying. The kind of crying with your face smushed against the bed, tears trickle down your face and dampen your sheets and you don't make much noise. He slowly rolled over onto his back, staring up at the ceiling with his face wet and everything seeming blurry and he let himself cry a little more because his chest still felt so tight and he wanted a hug, he wanted solitude, he wanted love, he wanted nothing- in truth, he didn't _know_ what he wanted. He just felt his heart being chipped at, the same heart that had never really felt full before.

He reached out for his phone so he could call up his aunt, the person who had given him the book and accepted him more than perhaps anyone else would. The conversation was short because she had been sleeping but it was so full of love, full of 'are you okay?' and 'no no, you _will_ be okay' and 'I'll look after you, sweetheart, don't cry' and that only made more tears come until he felt like he couldn't breathe. And he didn't quite mind that.

His phone buzzed a second later. _**sssong_yh** sent you a message_. He pressed on the tab, suddenly realising how long it had been until he had gone on instagram, and when he saw the message, he just stared at it for a while.

 

It was a photo of Yunhyeong with a hand through his unruly but so soft-looking hair, glasses perched on his nose, a ton of books that he was resting his arms on and a melodramatically stressed, 'please help me' expression as he looked at the camera. And it was perfect. It was exactly what Chanwoo needed to cheer him up, even for just a short burst of a while and he could feel the smile on his lips before it even came.

_\- interview preparation im cryinggggg_

_\- it's tomorrow??_

_\- oh yeah! I forgot to tell you omg I'm a bad friend_

_\- no no i'm a bad friend for not asking_

_\- CHANWOOOOOOO NO YOU'RE N O T_  
_\- BUT ME_  
_\- I'M A MESs ㅠㅠ_

_\- you're still a pretty mess issokay_

_\- you always know what to say ):_  
_\- what if they ask me about avocados_

_\- hyung don't tell me that you've been researching avocados for the past hour_

_\- I NEED TO BE PREPARED FOR EVERYTHING I CAN'T MAKE THE SAMEMISTAK_ _ES_  
_\- ALSO_  
_\- they might_  
_\- you know_

_\- ???_

_\- if they find out about you know what_

_\- ??????_

_\- the rainbow_

_\- ???????????_

_\- THAT IM GAY_

_\- OHHH_

_\- then they won't accept me. most likely_

_\- that's stupid. you're kidding right_ _?_

_\- no. it's very likely_

_\- what kind of messed up world_

_\- hyung you can't give in to it right_ _? don't feel withdrawn about it. don't feel like what everyone says about gay people is okay, don't feel like you have to conform. you're perfect and this university would be so lucky to have you, being gay doesn't define you nor is it even a bad thing. if you want to then you could keep quiet about it which you probably will anyway because it's not like anyone goes like 'OH AND IM STRAIGHT' etc in an interview but i_ _just don't want you to feel bogged down about it, or sad, or like YOU'RE the one who's wrong because, while reluctantly channelling my inner bruno_ _mars_  
_\- BOY YOU'RE AMAZING_  
_\- just the way...?_

_\- you_ are ; _-;_

_\- no_

_\- I am?_

_\- hell yee_

_\- jesus christ I don't deserve you_

_\- yes you deserve better_

_\- CHANWOO_  
_\- IM SERIOUS_  
_\- only you would write me an inspiring paragraph at night that makes me want to cRy_

_\- yeah ok maybe you don't deserve me_

_\- imma go do more prep_  
_\- and youve_ _helped like TEEEEEENfold_  
_\- hundredfold_  
_\- thousandfold_

_\- infinityfold_

_\- :O shook_

_\- shaken_

_\- not stirred_

_\- HYUNG_

_\- AHH IM SORRY_  
_\- I love love love you I'll go now_

_\- don't sleep too late and good luck okay?_

_-_ _thAnk_ _you I need every ounce of all the luck in the world ㅠ_  
_\- good night!!_

_\- night_

Chanwoo closed his eyes then, so he could go to sleep at the least on a positive note. But the instant he tried, all the sorrow came rushing back, all the expressions his father's face had held tonight, the comfort his aunt had given him, the fact that he knew he'd have to skip school tomorrow. And maybe for a while more. He wouldn't be able to see Yunhyeong at all.

Not for the first time, he went to sleep with small, lithe tears slowly slipping down his face, rolling to the mattress where they'd be forgotten one day, along with the sadness, the regret. Not yet. But Chanwoo was hoping for one day.

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Chanwoo? Chanwoo, oh my God, why are you out here now?"

His father hadn't been home when the ring of his phone woke him up. He had sat up groggily, reaching out before lazily swiping right. "Hello..."

"Hey, darling! I'm just outside, wanna get freshened up and meet me?"

Chanwoo's sleepy eyes widened as he tried to sit up. "Aunt Mai?"

"Yes! You've got your suitcase packed and everything, right?"

"Yeah...yeah, I have. I'll be there really soon, maybe in ten, I'm so sorry I didn't know you-"

"Alright then, I'll be waiting. It's okay, you know?"

Chanwoo let himself smile a little as he rubbed his forehead, knowing that the 'it's okay' applied to more things than one. "Yeah. I know."

And now here he was, holding his suitcase in mid-air while he stared wide-eyed back at Yunhyeong who was wrapped up in a massive coat and his favourite scarf that was covering his mouth. He looked adorable but all Chanwoo wanted to do was leave because he didn't want his father to come home before he left and memories just seemed to be haunting him. He felt so terrible, like the mental pain of being ill without the physical, and he wasn't even quite sure why.

"I'm...why are _you_ out here?"

"The interview! Gotta get to the university by seven," Yunhyeong chirped, pulling his scarf down and now that Chanwoo could see that familiar smile, he could feel himself starting to feel a little better. "But you- are you going somewhere or something? Why didn't you tell me about it?"

"Oh, it's...kind of an impromptu thing," Chanwoo muttered, putting the suitcase in the back of the trunk as he prayed that his aunt would stay in the car so that Yunhyeong wouldn't have to be subject to question after question after question.

"Chanwoo, I really really have to tell you somethi-"

"Hyung, I need to go."

"No, but- but it's really important, I promi-"

"I'm sorry. Not now," Chanwoo said, closing the trunk door but before he could move, Yunhyeong was curling a hand around his arm, staring at him with wide, confused eyes. Chanwoo knew he shouldn't be thinking about this now but the aura emanating from him, it was one Chanwoo wasn't familiar with at all. It was like coming down from a high, like waning excitement being overshadowed by worry, a palette of dark spots among soft pastels and Chanwoo cursed himself in his head. He didn't want to make Yunhyeong feel bad but he mentally wasn't ready for this, he just needed to get away and relax.

"What's wrong? What happened?" Yunhyeong asked gently, eyebrows furrowed just slightly as he looked at Chanwoo in soft anticipation, almost like he was expecting the worst but he still wanted nothing to be wrong. Chanwoo closed his eyes for a split-second, taking in a breath before he simply shook his head, leaning forward to press a chaste kiss to Yunhyeong's forehead, muttering a shaky, "Good luck," then he practically _ran_ to his seat, almost ramming into the door before he was able to open it and get in.

"Aunt Mai, drive. Please," Chanwoo said breathily, hands curled into tight fists and in the corner of his eye, he could see the woman look at him in worry but still nod, and in seconds, they were off. It was silent for a while and Chanwoo was thankful. He needed a moment to gather his thoughts, not to mention that this was just all giving him a headache.

_Why the heck did I kiss him? Well, on the forehead only but still, I've never- what kind of important thing could he have to tell me? We were literally only talking last night._

"That boy was pretty."

Chanwoo blinked, raising his head to look at his aunt who had a small smile on her face as she drove. "You saw him?"

"Mhm. Just for a small while, I was wondering why you were taking so long. Boyfriend?"

Chanwoo couldn't help flushing a little. "N-No he's, he's Yunhyeong-hyung."

"Ah, that explains," his aunt said knowingly which made Chanwoo snort a little. Yeah, he wouldn't deny the amount of times Yunhyeong had come up in their phone calls, Chanwoo just spent so much time with Yunhyeong that it was inevitable. He knew there were possibly other people who were more interesting but it just didn't seem that way, not when Yunhyeong would crack the worst jokes and hug his arm while reciting (and sobbing) maths formulas. "So, Chanwoo."

Chanwoo winced at the definitive tone. "Yes...?"

"What was the thing that triggered this? I know how much resilience you have, I honestly didn't think you'd ever take me up on this offer even if I wanted you to."

"You...you know that book you got me? For my birthday?"

"Of course."

"He, well, he ripped it. Right in front of me. Told me he didn't want me reading it anymore and it just- it just _hit_ something in me. It made me realise just how much he kind of...hated them. Us. Me."

"Your father sure is a piece of work," she sighed in disappointment, shaking her head. "But I never thought he was _that bad_. Honestly...I'm so sorry. I feel like he just doesn't know how to go about things but he still needs to choose a way and he always ends up choosing-"

"The wrong one."

"It's difficult for him."

"He makes it difficult for _me._ "

"You know how torn up he was after your mother left," his aunt said quietly and Chanwoo grimaced, looking down at his hands. "And I don't think he's healed yet. He's not better, and this just 'adds to the load' even though he shouldn't be thinking of it like that, but I don't think he can help it."

"Do you think he actually hates me?" Chanwoo asked, his voice cracking and this might be the first time that he had ever let himself sound this vulnerable but he knew his aunt wasn't going to hurt him, no, she was here to pick up the pieces.

"No, honey. I'm pretty sure he loves you more than he loves anything else."

And Chanwoo's initial thought was 'that's utter crap'. But then he started understanding it. He remembered seeing the fear in his father's eyes when he said he was leaving and then Chanwoo had to think. One person had already left his father who he had loved more than you could even imagine and now, now Chanwoo was leaving him too. So where did that leave his father? Who would he love now, who would keep him grounded, who would keep him from wasting away from a broken heart, a lost sense of life?

"You're just different, you and him. You love each other but you don't know how to show it, because you clash. That's why space is important sometimes but you two were never able to have that."

"So...d'you reckon this kind of space would do the trick?"

"Maybe. I'm not sure yet."

There was a beat of silence then, until his aunt said happily like they hadn't just had that sort of conversation, "Oh, and about that book? It was buy one get one free!"

Chanwoo stared at her in amazement. "Wait, do you mean-"

"Yep, I'll give it to you when we get back. I decided to read it myself and it really is a heartwarming book."

"Right? I love it so, so much."

"Yeah, I thought you would. I could imagine you reading it and squealing over it in your head," his aunt laughed and Chanwoo couldn't even deny it, really. "I'm really glad I got it for you. I didn't know how amazing it was when I first bought it but...now I can see it helping a little. Has it?"

Chanwoo nodded, grinning down at his lap as he tugged on his seatbelt and said a small, "Definitely."

He turned off his phone, deciding that he couldn't handle people worrying about him. He could imagine a truckload of texts from Yunhyeong, just a few less from Jinhwan, then a couple from Hanbin too. The group chat for their class would probably go crazy wondering why he wasn't there since they were all a bunch of wannabe detectives and Yunhyeong usually loved that kind of thing but Chanwoo predicted him being quiet, for once. And he didn't like the sound of that at all.

What if this messed up Yunhyeong's interview? What if emotions and worry got the best of him? What if Chanwoo had just cost him his goddamn _future?_

"I suck," Chanwoo sighed under his breath but his aunt's supersonic hearing caught it as she turned her head to look at him for a moment, frowning.

"Why?"

"I should've been frank with him, Yunhyeong-hyung. I should have told him everything then just left, I didn't mean to let my bad feelings just seep out-"

"Chanwoo, Chanwoo, I'm _always_ telling you this - don't beat yourself up for being human. He'll be okay, he'll understand because he understands and loves _you_ , right? Now, we're almost there so waffles for breakfast or toast?"

"Is that even a question?"

"Well, _now_ I know it's not. But...just to make sure-"

"Waffles, Aunt Mai."

"Right, right, thought so."

They shared a smile, their eyes meeting for a moment and Chanwoo had missed seeing her in person that he just wanted to hug her forever and ever, and even when she turned away to look at the road, she was still smiling. She had a pretty smile, and Chanwoo was quite sure that it was the same smile his mother had. Aunt Mai and his mother had similar characteristics, he'd notice, but not so much that they were the same person. Just enough for Chanwoo to feel at home when he was around her. Just enough for Chanwoo to feel nostalgic, without so much of the sad part.

"Here we are, sweetheart."

The first thing Chanwoo did when he took off his seatbelt wasn't opening the car door, or rolling up the window. He simply pushed forward so he could wrap his arms around his aunt who had easily been expecting it, squeezing him tight as her hands rubbed his back soothingly, stroked his hair. Chanwoo wanted to break down in her arms until he suddenly realised that he didn't feel the need to. There were no emotions threatening to choke him, no tears ready to drown him and he could even remember how to smile as his aunt pulled back to give him a fat kiss on the forehead which made him squirm a little. "Let's go inside."

Chanwoo nodded, feeling like maybe two or three of his stars were aligning. Not very many, but it was a start. "Let's go."

-

The first day was one of the best days he had had in a very long time, mostly because nothing really happened. He wore his most comfortable clothes, he watched tv, he sent Yunhyeong telepathic love, he read some more of the book, he had long talks with his aunt about irrelevant things, and he loved it. He didn't even think about his father until he did but then there was always something to take his mind off of it.

"Don't you ever get lonely, here by yourself?" Chanwoo asked late at night when they were watching a drama together and his aunt shrugged.

"Sometimes. But I have friends and it's not like I don't date every now and then. I think I'm okay."

"Anyone that you thought might last?"

"Well...you always think that at first, don't you?" his aunt said, looking at the tv screen but it was more like she was looking through it. "Isn't that the reason you even embark on a relationship in the first place, because you think it could last? You think, but you don't _know_. In the end, all relationships are risks. It's a difficult, scary thing because when you make any sort of relationship, you're giving up a little part of yourself to that person and they can do whatever they want with it. They can do so many things."

"They could choose not to."

"They could choose to do _good_ things. But sometimes, bad things come easier. Sometimes malforming that part is easier than nurturing it. The best people are those who have the patience and care to nurture, and then fix the parts that they malform too because everyone makes mistakes."

"You should really write a book."

His aunt smiled in pleased bashfulness, shaking her head. "I just observe and try to put the things I see into words. So the world makes sense."

So the world makes sense.

_\- "So many things happen, but why do they happen? I always try and find reasons for them because yeah, the world doesn't make sense but I like to try and **make** it make sense, even if it means lying to myself a little. Lying by omission. Lying by bending the truth. Lying by sugar-coating. Only to myself. It just makes things easier to swallow because life is so hard."_

_\- "I feel like at times like these, when I'm with you and it's late and there's no impending doom of death down to homework, the world is simple. Everything makes sense. I love that."_

_**"This world all around us is so strange, none of it makes sense," Jiwon sighed, not sure if he was angry or just fed-up as he was about to turn away but he should've known that this would be a time where Junhoe would step up and save things, taking his hand, making him stay.** _

_**"But our world does. You make everything make sense for me."** _

"Aunt Mai," Chanwoo croaked, eyes wide as he stared into the distance.

"Yeah?"

"If you realise you like someone but they like someone else, and you don't even deserve them anyway...you can't keep liking them, can you?"

"Sweetheart," his aunt whispered in that sad, so apologetic tone, immediately pulling him into her side as Chanwoo hugged her as tight as he could without hurting her. He didn't know why he didn't feel surprised, or shocked; perhaps because it was something he had subconsciously already known. It was only a matter of time before everything linked up and he couldn't help but think that he was just like everyone else. All the people who were charmed by Song Yunhyeong, all the people who had a crush on him, he was just another one of them and it wasn't like he was _special_ , there was no chance in hell that he had more of a shot than any of them did.

Yunhyeong deserved a person with an aura powerful enough to challenge his own. Not someone who emitted nothing, someone who _was_ nothing. Chanwoo wasn't even insecure, he was just protective. He wanted Yunhyeong to get someone amazing and he'd always analyse any possible suitors and, on an objective level, he just didn't make the cut. Hanbin did. He just scraped the mark (Chanwoo was very critical) but he made it. But Chanwoo?

_'Destined to be behind the camera and capture beauty but not for himself.'_

"You deserve so much, Chanwoo," his aunt murmured into his hair and Chanwoo closed his eyes, hanging his head a little.

"Maybe. I don't know. But it's not about what I deserve."

"He'd be blessed to have you."

"It's easy to say that," Chanwoo muttered, biting his lip as he looked down at his hands that were either shaking just a fraction or his imagination was playing up like always, "but I don't think so."

The second day was more lazy. Chanwoo didn't even feel like getting out of bed so he actually did stay there longer than he would have ever felt like staying, and his aunt didn't say anything, she just smiled at him amusedly and came in to kiss the top of his head before leaving. Chanwoo could feel it now, the blunt, heavy pain that had spread throughout his heart for so long until it just felt normal, he felt used to it, and he sighed as he decided to turn on his phone. Yep, group chat messages, texts from Hanbin- woah, wait.

_Nothing from Yunhyeong-hyung._

Chanwoo immediately felt like crying when that struck him. He really hadn't expected it and now - this confirmed it, he really wasn't special. He should have expected it. Yunhyeong and all the people he knew, all his other friends, it would be different for him than it would be for Chanwoo who barely hung out with more than two people. Speaking of those two people - his prediction about Jinhwan was almost correct, there were tons of messages from him on probably every single platform and despite his slight heartache, it made Chanwoo smile. Gosh, it really did, especially the ones from today.

_\- Thursday 17th January, 8:00 am, Seoul Arts High School. The Jung Chanwoo is still not sighted. A strange sight indeed for a specimen with one hundred percent attendance. Most other specimens miss him. Some couldn't care less. Those specimens have no taste or sense of humour. But we shall forgive them._  
_\- Chanwoo Chanwoo Chanwoooooo I miss you :(_  
_\- I HAD TO DO OUR PRESENTATION ALONE_  
_\- I COMPLETELY FORGOT ABOUT IT I FUCKING HATE YOU_  
_\- I don't I don't I love you very much DON'T kill me_  
_\- I'm sulky tho_  
_- >:(((( _  
_\- I really am sulky hanbin keeps wanting to cheer me up but NO ONLY IF YOU WILL REPLY WILL I BE OKAY ;-;_

_\- hi_

_\- OH_  
_\- MY_

_\- why are you replying so fast omg you should be in class???_

_\- GODD_  
_\- CHANWOO IT IS BAD BOY CULTURE TO LOOK AT THE PHONE UNDERNEATH THE TABLE_

_\- so you're a bad boy?_

_\- well, if you're into that kind of thing ;)_

_\- GROSS_

_\- YOU ASKED FOR IT_

_\- EW NO I DIDN'T_

_\- you practically did like come on_

_\- i underestimate you_

_\- everyone underestimates me, it's why i'll rule the world one day_

_\- what_

_\- what_  
_\- BUT HEY are you okay? seriously i'm worried, this class aka your FAMILY cares for you my dude_

_\- wow_  
_\- no yeah im fine_

_\- what does 'im fine' mean_

_\- it means_  
_\- im fine_

_\- are you sure_

_\- yes_

_\- mega one hundred two thousand percent sure_

_\- hyung_

_\- AHA AVOIDING ANSWERS = NO_  
_\- WHATS WRONG JUNG COME TO PAPA_

_\- i can't deal with youu_

_\- i'll tell you everything one day, i'm just having like...a break. from it all_

_\- okay. yeah I'm cool with that_  
_\- so is the break going well?_

_\- yeah it's great_

\- ...

_\- ugh_  
_\- sure i miss you_

_\- :D_  
_\- yo but do come back soon okay?? I'm worried about Yun he seems a little dead from what I've seen of him. doesn't really wanna talk to me or hanbin or many people_

_\- oh_

_\- let him know you're okay if you haven't, at the least?_

_\- um_  
_\- sure_  
_\- did his interview go well?_

_\- he won't say_

_\- maybe it didn't_  
_\- maybe that's why he's acting funny_

_\- it could be_  
_\- but chanwoo from the look in his eyes?_  
_\- i'm pretty sure it's you_

A while later (he wasn't sure of the time because he didn't really need to keep track of it, did he?), Chanwoo was reading his book, his back against the headboard and his legs stretched out. He missed his own copy because it had been so thumbed and loved and it had his annotations in it, but then again, in this book his aunt had clearly decided to annotate too with things like 'this reminds me of Chanwoo!' and that was probably the only thing she had been _meaning_ to annotate, stuff that she could talk about with Chanwoo but then it seemed like she had gone a bit overboard with things like 'damn that's deep!' and 'wait what just happened' and 'just go 'fuck the world' and be in love!' Gosh, his aunt was sure something.

When he heard a knock on the door, he froze. His aunt was at work at that moment and she hadn't said that anyone would come by. Had she? No, no...Chanwoo would have remembered that. Hopefully. He set down his book and got off his bed, grimacing a little at the loss of warmth, before he cautiously left the room and walked over to the door. As far as he knew, the house didn't have a peephole and the blurred windows on either side of the door weren't letting him see anything. And so, he weighed out his options.

_It could be a mailman! Or a harmless scout, or someone raising for charity except that would be bad since I've got no money. Maybe it's a friendly neighbour pointing out that something looks out of place...? Just **don't** think it's a serial killer. **Don't** think it's someone out to get you. **Don't** think it's the police who's found you because how many times do I have to tell you that you haven't DONE anything- ok this really isn't working._

In the end, he opened up because he was worried that it would end up being something important. And it was.

Not in the way he thought it would be.

But having his best friend standing there, his hair and scarf being ruffled in the wind and hands in his pocket as he looked back at Chanwoo with soft eyes, soft gaze, soft smile - all of the breath left Chanwoo's lungs and there was nothing, _nothing_ that could have been more important than this.

"Hyung-"

Chanwoo got cut off when Yunhyeong swept forward and threw his arms around Chanwoo, and the poor thing (yes Yunhyeong was totally the equivalent of a cute stray cat) was _shaking_ so Chanwoo pushed the door closed behind him before letting himself hug back, almost letting out a small sob that from the raw emotion he felt, it must have been caught in his throat ever since his realisation yesterday. He buried his head into Yunhyeong's hair, breathing him in and getting this urge to press his lips to Yunhyeong's face a million times, whisper sorry a million times, just let Yunhyeong beat him up a million times. Yunhyeong's hands clenched his shirt tightly in his fists before he pulled back, keeping his arms around Chanwoo who did the same and Yunhyeong's eyes flickered all over his face, going through a tumult of emotions that Chanwoo couldn't even begin to keep up with.

"I'm sorry," Chanwoo finally whispered and Yunhyeong shook his head gently, resting his porcelain fingers against Chanwoo's cheek and they were blisteringly cold but Chanwoo didn't mind, it still felt so nice. Yunhyeong was emanating pure pink in the sweetest forms of affection imaginable.

"You did nothing wrong, Chan. I promise."

"I didn't think that you not texting or calling me would end up meaning that you'd drive three hours to come to a place you shouldn't even know exists?"

"I'm special like that," Yunhyeong murmured, laughing lightly as his thumb started moving, caressing, accidentally brushing across Chanwoo's cupid bow which made the younger flinch a little.

"How the hell did you find me?"

"Everyone's an FBI agent in the name of love."

Chanwoo raised his eyebrows as Yunhyeong only giggled more, slumping against the latter, and Chanwoo decided to only sigh and let it go. He'd find out later, for sure. Hopefully Yunhyeong hadn't done anything illegal to find the address because then Chanwoo wouldn't even know who he _was_ anymore.

"Do you wanna go to my room? You look tired," Chanwoo said as he pulled away and took hold of Yunhyeong's hand, instantly leading the way once Yunhyeong nodded. And something that was better than calm isolation was definitely calm isolation with Yunhyeong beside him, their legs all over each other's in that messy way, their shoulders touching. Chanwoo would think that his heartbeat would have picked up but it stayed slow, as calm as the breaths they both drew in and let out. They didn't say anything for a while. They didn't need to, not yet. Not until Yunhyeong, simply Yunhyeong and nothing else, filled Chanwoo's contentment meter to the brim which was going to be very soon.

Yunhyeong's hand darted out to loosely wrap around Chanwoo's clasped ones and the latter bit back a yelp. "What have you done today?"

"Not much...read a little, slept a little. Texted Jinhwan-hyung."

"Cool," Yunhyeong said and if his voice sounded weak, it must have been Chanwoo's imagination. "So are you okay?"

Chanwoo had to think about that. "I'm...getting there. It's pretty much a yes."

"That's good."

Chanwoo nodded, squeezing Yunhyeong's hand a little and he had almost closed his eyes before Yunhyeong started talking again, his voice still soft but sprinkled with excitement. "Do you...do you remember that thing you texted me? That little speech thing, feat. Bruno Mars?"

Chanwoo snorted at the last part, letting his other hand brush through Yunhyeong's hair just to keep himself busy. He saw Yunhyeong smile a little dreamily, leaning into him a bit more and Chanwoo wondered for a moment if the guy had forgotten that they were having a conversation before he opened his mouth again. "It inspired me."

"Hm? Is this to do with the interview?"

Yunhyeong shook his head, slowly sitting up so he could twizzle around to face Chanwoo and his eyes held every single ounce of sparkle and radiance that the world had to offer. Chanwoo couldn't even _begin_ to guess what had made Yunhyeong like this but it was taking his breath away because nothing was prettier than a happy Yunhyeong with an aura so amazingly strong that Chanwoo didn't feel like he should be allowed to be in it. But Yunhyeong was still holding onto him, making him rethink. "I did it."

"Did what?"

Yunhyeong reached out and squished Chanwoo's cheeks, staring Chanwoo right in the eye as he said in a way that Chanwoo could barely even hear him, "I came out to my parents."

Chanwoo could distantly hear a million metaphorical glasses shatter. "Oh my God."

Yunhyeong nodded, fizzling like he was so ready to burst into flames or confetti or just _something_ and Chanwoo couldn't quite tell for sure if the elder was happy or not but he still held his arms out and immediately, Yunhyeong fell onto him, squeezing the absolute life out of Chanwoo but you know what? It was well-deserved. Chanwoo would let him off.

"I'm so goddamn proud of you," Chanwoo murmured, burying his head into Yunhyeong's neck and he could just sense the elder tearing up, almost scrabbling to stop his embrace from becoming weak. But the weaker _he_ got, the tighter Chanwoo held on. "You deserve the fucking world, hyung, don't cry. How did it go?"

"It...it went good. My mother already kinda guessed, apparently," Yunhyeong said, laughing tearfully as he pulled back and Chanwoo tugged him closer even if the hug was broken, their noses centimetres away from each other's. "And my dad...I think he finds it strange, but he's not being iffy about it. I can tell he's trying his best. And he's _going_ to try his best."

"That's amazing."

"Yeah. Yeah, it really is. And you, you're the reason I did it."

"Oh come on, I wasn't the _reason-_ "

"But I promise, you were a massive push. The way I can be so comfortable with you about it, how _you're_ so comfortable in yourself about the same thing, you don't really care what other people think and even if it doesn't seem like much to you, it's seriously one of the most reassuring things. To me, at least. And, it used to be a secret between us. Something we shared." Yunhyeong's hand gently massaged Chanwoo's neck as he smiled too beautifully and Chanwoo just wanted to hug him again, forever. "It's not a secret anymore but that doesn't just delete everything we've been through for the past few years. Right?"

Chanwoo nodded, gaze soft because he wasn't even sure if he had processed all of those words but Yunhyeong was there in front of him being all passionate and justice-seeking and just so _Yunhyeong_ , and Chanwoo, platonic or not, was really quite in love. "Right."

"The interview went good, but I don't like thinking that it went good. I should have been worrying about you 24/7. I should have ditched it and gone after you. It _should_ have gone badly."

"Idiot," Chanwoo muttered, tapping Yunhyeong's head sharply which made the elder pout. "I wanted you to do well over anything else, okay? Now I'm glad you did good but don't try and demean it, be proud of yourself. Stupid."

"Stop calling me mean naaaames," Yunhyeong whined, falling into the space next to Chanwoo and the younger smiled, even though he missed the warmth. "Fine, it went really well, are you happy? I tried to use it to distract me from you because even if I wanted to go after you, it didn't seem like you wanted me to."

"But you did anyway."

"Wha- yeah but after _thirty-seven_ hours! That's plenty of time!"

"Did you really count the hours?"

"You don't hate me for coming, right?" Yunhyeong asked in a wary tone, suddenly uncertain from the way his limbs had stiffened just a little and Chanwoo found it almost amusing as he shook his head, knocking it against Yunhyeong's.

"You're not skipping school or anything important so I'm good with it. Even though it must have been cold..."

"No but my burning love for you kept me warm," Yunhyeong said in a very serious tone, eyes wide and every single cell in Chanwoo's body face-palmed. Though he started forgetting about it (which was a very difficult feat, honestly...) when Yunhyeong seemed to have caught his eye on something, making him lean forward and pick up the book that Chanwoo had put down earlier. "This...I see this all the time, in your hands or peeking out of your bag. Is it good?"

"Oh, hyung, it's _amazing,_ " Chanwoo said immediately, taking hold of the book and it felt heavy in his hands, a good heavy. "It's about these two boys, like our age kinda, one finds out they're gay and they meet and it gets so deep, they want to love each other but everything about their homophobic sector of the world all point to 'no'."

"Damn, that sounds kinda familiar."

"Yeah, it was only written about three years ago. And they try to make it work out but everything's just so hard. But they're so _cute_. I love it, so so much."

"Let's read it together," Yunhyeong said happily and Chanwoo raised an eyebrow.

"You sure? I'm really far in."

"Let's just read from where you're at, I don't mind."

"O...kay."

So Chanwoo flipped the book open while Yunhyeong made himself comfortable, resting his head on Chanwoo's shoulder, and when Chanwoo found the right page he turned to the side to give a small signal of 'from here' and his heart felt a little ignited when he saw how close Yunhyeong's face was. Especially when his eyes flicked up so both of theirs could meet, his long eyelashes sort of mesmerising for a split-second and Chanwoo had to cough and quickly look away. He just had to read. Just _read_.

_**These kinds of moments were the best moments, when they were both giggly and in love with absolutely everything, each other, their shoes, pens, even loose buttons, and it didn't get any better when Junhoe tripped over a shirt and fell onto Jiwon by accident, making the former howl in laughter even more while Jiwon laughed gentler, reaching out to absent-mindedly tuck a small stray lock of Junhoe's hair behind his ear. And then inwardly pat himself on the back for it after.** _

_**"Jesus Christ, w-what are we?"** _

_**"What are you, I think you mean, and the answer is you're a person who needs to clean their room," Jiwon answered, grinning when Junhoe rolled his eyes, trying to push up a little but Jiwon kept him down, slipping an arm around the younger's waist. Junhoe swallowed, almost non-visibly but Jiwon caught it and it took all of his willpower not to kiss Junhoe's Adam's apple - but wait, why was he trying not to? He could do it. No-one could tell him no, he wouldn't let anyone tell him no. Well, except for Junhoe. But the thought left his mind once Junhoe pressed closer this time, something that only happened once in a million moons.** _

_**"What are you looking at?" Jiwon hummed, a hint of mock-protectiveness in his voice and his eyes drooped as Junhoe's face got closer. There was too much beauty for Jiwon's poor mortal eyes to focus on.** _

_**"An idiot. For some reason, I really, really love him."** _

Chanwoo could sense it, in a way. From when Yunhyeong's head left his shoulder, and it was five seconds of Chanwoo being so enamoured and caught up in reading before he felt the eyes on him, and he wasn't sure what to do. Should he keep reading? Should he look back, conduct a spontaneous staring contest? Say something derisive like 'you're the one who asked to read this, hyung, so read it'? He didn't know and this sudden staring was making him feel weird so he decided to look up.

"What are you looking at?"

"You."

Then Chanwoo's braincells completely disintegrated into dust, because Yunhyeong reached out to rest a hand at his neck and pull him into a kiss.

It was like a Disney movie. Chanwoo's eyes slipped shut and immediately he could imagine white and blue and pink streams of magic floating around their heads, sparks everywhere, and some sort of thing was supposed to be healed or fixed because that was always what a true love's kiss _did_ \- but Yunhyeong's other hand pressing into his hip, rubbing a gentle circle into his skin reminded Chanwoo that this wasn't fantasy. Yunhyeong was no prince, Chanwoo was no damsel but they were two boys, kissing in an apartment far downtown with traffic blaring distantly in the background.

"O-Oh," Chanwoo murmured the instant the kiss was broken and with it, the spell, and suddenly Yunhyeong was turning pink and biting his lip, a million percent less confident. His aura had wavered in a second, how was that possible? And before Chanwoo could stop himself, he blurted out, "I thought you had a thing for Hanbin-hyung."

"I thought you had a thing for Jinhwan-hyung."

Chanwoo blanched, calling out a very high-pitched, "You fucking what," and Yunhyeong looked a mixture of wanting to laugh or crawl into any hole available.

"You know, I thought I liked Hanbin too," Yunhyeong said quietly, looking down. "You know, just kind of. There are those tell-tale signs people talk about, where your heart kinda flutters a little when they smile at you, you get a bit weird around them. I had this all set in my mind, me and Hanbin, you and Jinhwan, we'd have joint weddings and honeymoons in the Caribbean. I don't know why I thought it, it was just stupid. But my weird fluttery crush on Hanbin is _weak_. Infatuation, maybe. It'll pass. But since like...a minute ago? I'm suddenly quite sure I'm in love with you. And I think, I might have been for too long of a time."

"I realised it yesterday. Like, the exact same thing. In the exact same way," Chanwoo murmured in utter, utter disbelief in a way that wasn't all disbelief, because he had gone through the same thing. Maybe somewhere, Chanwoo had had a sort of weak crush on Jinhwan too (but probably not, he just thought the guy was weird and moody and loveable, basically a cat) and he had also realised his feelings for Yunhyeong in the snap switch of a second. Times like those made seconds feel very long, where all of the temporal lines connecting all sorts of different but lexical things came together, to make a realisation. An important, life-changing realisation. But when you realise it, it doesn't seem as important as it is because, it's just life. "This book _really_ makes things dawn on you, doesn't it?"

Yunhyeong nodded, wide-eyed, and Chanwoo didn't quite hear Yunhyeong's breathy 'you should lend it to me soon' because Chanwoo was leaning in again, almost to make sure that it was possible for him to taste heaven again until he realised that it was never heaven in the first place, especially not with Yunhyeong squeaking in surprise before giggling at himself, bunching Chanwoo's shirt up in his fists and Chanwoo felt so fed-up that he didn't even want to continue the kiss but he did anyway, and yeah, it was a good choice. Definitely. Yunhyeong's lips trailed away from his, kissing down his cheek, up his jaw, a torrent of quick ones all over his forehead and Chanwoo wanted to ask what on _earth_ he was doing but he was too busy shamelessly enjoying it.

"So does this mean something?"

"What kind of question is that?"

"I don't know," Chanwoo mumbled, playing with the hem of Yunhyeong's jumper. "This could be like...a thing. Or maybe it's just, friends with kisses."

"Do you mean friends with benefits?"

"No. Friends with kisses."

"We're still best friends, Chan," Yunhyeong said, looking fondly amused and Chanwoo blinked.

"Are you serio- wait, how the hell am I in the friend zone after all of that-"

"No, no wait that's not what I meant! I mean, we're still best friends, we're still friends, but now there's just another term too. We've got to figure it out."

"Okay, good, that doesn't make me want to cry into an ice-cream tub," Chanwoo muttered, leaning against Yunhyeong and feeling the elder's rumbles of laughter against him. "Well...I mean, I don't really-"

"Later."

"What?"

"Later," Yunhyeong murmured softly, lifting Chanwoo's head before kissing him one more time, slowly, and Chanwoo's breath hitched delicately, his heart beating faster as he felt like melting into the mattress. "We'll figure it out later."

Later could be hours or years away, but wasn't it one of those 'unspoken promise' premises? A promise that needed no words to describe it, it was its own detail, and Chanwoo didn't think he'd ever felt happier because of it as he undid Yunhyeong's scarf from around the guy's neck, pulling on it gently.

"Looks like you're keeping this after all."

(And in the corner of his mind, he could see Junhoe yelling, "WE DID IT!" as him and Jiwon tried to high-five but Jiwon kept thinking they were going to fist-bump and the timing was too off and instead of risking near death with a cabbage, Junhoe simply tugged on Jiwon's wrists to pull the guy into a victory kiss. Chanwoo smiled, rolling his eyes at them as he pushed them out of his thoughts and cuddled up to Yunhyeong now behind him who nosed his hair gently, arms settling around Chanwoo's waist. Yeah, they were way cuter than Junhoe and Jiwon were. Fictional characters (but kind of real) could go suck it.)

 

 

 

 

 

"So."

"So..."

"Uh..."

"Um."

"Hi."

"Hey, Dad."

Chanwoo still hadn't gone home yet. He was still in his aunt's apartment, sitting cross-legged on the floor with his back against the bed, and he had to sadly let Yunhyeong go a few hours earlier.

"Talk to your father as soon as you can, okay?" Yunhyeong said once they were both outside the door, with Chanwoo doing up Yunhyeong's scarf for him. Chanwoo raised an eyebrow, about to question it before Yunhyeong took hold of his wrist and stared him straight in the eye. "Please. Try."

"Why?"

"Hopefully you'll both figure out why."

"I hate it when you're cryptic, stop it," Chanwoo grumbled, frowning and Yunhyeong only smiled, kissing his cheek before stepping away and Chanwoo was pretty sure his face would stay red for the rest of the day. Or a week, that seemed more likely.

"See you when the winds travel along our red lines of fate to meet in a shining shimmering splendid-"

"Shut up, you're just quoting Aladdin!"

Chanwoo had stared at his phone a _lot_ before actually pressing his father's number. He would hover his finger over it before taking it back, thinking that he wasn't ready, there was no point, what if he'd just turn into a blubbering mess, what if the world exploded?

_**"Dad, I love you," Junhoe cried, wrapping an arm around his knees as he leant his head against the wall, trying to blink back his torrents of tears even though that was the most useless thing he could do. "I want to know what it feels like to ha-have you feel proud of me, I want to yell at a football game with you, I w-want to know what I've done so wrong, I want your approval, I want to just hug you even though neither of us are huggers but I miss you, I miss you...p-please, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I'm like this. Why do you think I'm wrong? Please, please, Dad...love me again..."** _

His mind had gone back on itself so much at this point that all his excuses to not call were such a mess that in the end, it was like his common sense itself had got sick of it and flew through his finger to make him press the number. And for the three rings it took, his mind went into full on blank-panic mode (that was when Chanwoo's mind went so utterly blank that he wouldn't be able to speak, or move, or anything) - but then his father's voice, that familiar, deep voice, had filtered through and suddenly Chanwoo could do _one_ thing. He could cry.

But he decided to keep that for later.

"How are you?"

"I'm great, just relaxing. I'll go to school tomorrow. Promise."

"Good, good...um, is Aunt Mai-"

"Yeah, she's great."

"Great."

The beat of silence that followed made Chanwoo want to curl up into a ball and roll all the way to Alaska.

"I'm sorry about the book."

"No, Dad, it's fi-"

"I didn't- I didn't realise how much it would have _meant_ to you because I was just..."

"Trying to assert your authority in a way you shouldn't have?"

"I think so," his father sighed without any argument, any offended tone and Chanwoo had never been more shocked in his life. "I've been thinking about it a lot. I didn't ruin it as badly as I thought I did but, still doesn't mean I can sellotape it back together or anything."

"Dad," Chanwoo said warily, "did you try and sellotape it back together?"

"I can't answer that."

"Oh my God."

"I get it now."

"Get what?"

"How much it meant to you."

"Are you sure about it? Because you doing what you did pretty much destroyed me, you know," Chanwoo said as casually as he could bear to even if a wobble in his voice was already coming to light. He wondered if he should let it. "I meant every word I said. _And_ more. Are you sure you know all of that 'more'?"

"No," his father said quietly and Chanwoo wasn't disappointed because he wasn't expecting him to know, at all. "But I want to."

"Why do you sound so weak?"

"You're just such a good speaker, like your mother was. I don't know how to reply to you sufficiently."

"You'll learn, most people do."

"But I'm your father. I'm not just 'most people', I should be better."

Chanwoo couldn't help the smile even if he quickly stopped it, nodding. This was actually getting somewhere but it was too civil and that was something Chanwoo really wasn't used to. "Perhaps you're right."

"So," his father said again, his voice sounding a little strained but less so than when they had started. "Did- did you have a nice time with Yunhyeong?"

Chanwoo blinked. "How did you know Yunhyeong came over?"

"Oh, oh right, um...I guessed?"

"Dad."

"Do you believe me?"

"No."

"Then I give up."

"You told him, didn't you?" Chanwoo said in a gentler tone than he thought he'd be able to have, another tiny, just tiny smile peeking from his lips. "You told him where Aunt Mai's house was."

"He's...he's good. He's a good kid. And he's good for you too," his father said, sounding hesitant not in his words but in the way he wasn't used to saying words like these. Hell, Chanwoo had never in his life heard his father talk about Yunhyeong and this was making his heart tumble a little. In a good way? "I can recognise the kind of bond you two have. It's really strong. I had a best friend like that, once."

"I think we might start dating, Dad."

"Oh," his father said in surprise, pausing for a second before saying, "Yeah no, I didn't have a best friend like that."

And Chanwoo laughed, actually _laughed_ wholeheartedly at something his _father_ had said and when he closed his eyes, he almost, almost thought that he could see green. Green, the colour of growth, hope. But it was probably just his overactive imagination again.

"Chanwoo, if...if it was anyone, it'd be him. And I'm glad it is."

"What are you saying?"

"I'm saying that, I should be trying harder. Right? I should be, since, you're all I have. And if you date him, or any other guy as long as they're reasonable then I...I _should_ be fine with it. I'm gonna learn, I'm going to try to be because I owe that to you."

Everything was green, absolutely _everything_. The overwhelming amount of hope in the air was almost choking Chanwoo and he could feel the tears welling up now, very slowly. "D-Dad, can I- can I ask you something?"

"Of course."

"Do you love me?"

There was silence and the green was fading, Chanwoo's chest tightening because didn't silence mean negative? Didn't it mean no? But then his dad was saying a shaky, "The fact that you need to ask that means I'm the worst father ever."

Chanwoo's heart shattered. "No, wait, that's not what I-"

"Of course I love you, Christ, I- how have I messed up this badly? Gary in university who said I would be a good father was a fucking _liar-_ "

"Dad, we all hate Gary but I'm still your son, you sure you wanna swear around me?"

"Right, right, oh God, I'm sorry. See? I'm terrible. You're better at this than me."

"We could teach each other a few things."

"That's all I want. Or just at least, to spend a little time with you because I love you, but I really do not understand you at all."

Even if each 'I love you' made Chanwoo's heart sing as he just wanted to run away and have this heart-to-heart in _person_ , those words still made him feel sad. Nostalgically so. He smiled a little knowingly, clutching the phone tighter. "I figured. So let's get to know each other. Like in shows where exes have a second try at a first date."

"Did you really just say that to your...father?"

"It's only an example, don't sue me!"

"Okay, fine. Movie date on Friday?"

Chanwoo had to bite down on his fist to stop the squeal from hearing his dad say 'movie date'. "Who's paying?"

"Chanwoo, you have no money, do you work anywhere? Do you?"

"Hey, I was trying to be courteous. Oh my God, stop being such a _dad._ "

"I am your dad though."

"Dad, that was the joke..."

There was silence (yet again) before his father was letting out a long overdue 'ohhhhhhh' and Chanwoo shook his head in disapproval. He really had a lot of things to teach him, didn't he? He could imagine it all now, him showing his father how his favourite video games worked, having to drag his father to the consoles as the elder just yelled, "Stop, I'm good with watching you play!" but Chanwoo wouldn't let up; then his father and him reading a text from a history book together with his father describing all the details to him because Chanwoo was pretty sure that he was a time traveller with the amount he knew. It had been years since Chanwoo's last lecture on the Cold War...that kind of thing really shouldn't have been as upsetting as it was. I mean, it was the Cold War. _Not_ a nice period of history. But it had been bonding and this was the first time Chanwoo was remembering all of it in, well, years.

How had they both grown so out of tune with each other?

"So, I must go water the-"

"I'll come home tomorrow, Dad," Chanwoo said louder than needed, firmly ignoring the fat tears escaping his eyes because they were stupid - rightfully there but still stupid. "I'll go to school, then I'll come straight home. I'll make dinner. I'll be there, I'll be there when you come back from work."

"O-"

"And I'm going to hug you. Alright? Prepare. Brace yourself for it."

"Oh wow. I'm not sure if I'm ready for it."

"Are any of us ever really ready for anything, in truth, because in the end what is the point of all of this meaningless trivia that we endorse each and every second of our nihilistic liv-"

"Oh my God, Chanwoo, stop," his father laughed and it was in a tone that Chanwoo hadn't heard in so long, that exasperated, amused, fond voice that parents had when their kids would do something sweetly lame or stupid. That was the kind of relationship Chanwoo had always _wanted_ even if he didn't know why, it just felt so innocent and love-filled in that normal parent-child way. "So...so we're going to try."

Chanwoo nodded, the tightness in his chest easing up. "Yeah."

"I'm sorry in advance for if-"

"It's okay, Dad, I know it's going to be hard but as long as we both keep on trying..."

"It'll work out."

"It will."

"Tell Yunhyeong hello from me."

"He's already left."

"Oh. Do you want me to say hello from you?"

Chanwoo raised an eyebrow, stifling a snort. "I think I'm good. Love you, Dad."

"Ah," his father said, just a small interjection but Chanwoo could hear it, he could hear the raw emotion that his father was holding back and he knew what he was doing, he was trying to stay strong but...it felt heartbreakingly good. It felt good to have his father get emotional, in the same way that Chanwoo was. "It's been a while since you've said that..."

"I know."

"Love you too, son."

Then the line went dead and Chanwoo hugged the phone to his chest, looking down and breathing out. So everything was going to change now. His relationship with Yunhyeong, the way he'd interpret Hanbin, his relationship with his father, his level of happiness probably. Usually Chanwoo didn't like change but when these were some of the best changes in the world, he didn't think he needed to have any choice. It wasn't going to happen overnight, though. Hell, maybe if Chanwoo went back, they'd return to their stilted ways but the fact that that exact conversation, something that Chanwoo would have never _dreamed_ would take place in a million years, had just happened? That had to mean something.

He leant his head back and closed his eyes, still for a moment before he saw something in his head that made him smile, shaking his head slightly.

"Come ooooon, who wants a hug? Let's hug it out," Jiwon said brightly, holding out his arms and Chanwoo expected it when the guy just hugged him tightly anyway from the side. Chanwoo patted his arm. "Things are looking up, aren't they?"

"I really hope so."

"I don't know about you but I'm sick of all this 'hoping'. Let's just think that things _will_ happen, yeah? Then they're more likely to as well."

"Is that true?"

"From what I've been through? I think so."

Chanwoo couldn't _not_ believe him even if he tried, even when the guy stopped being cool and squished his cheek against Chanwoo's shoulder. At least it was hella cute and Chanwoo felt like he had a grown-man-pet now.

"Where's Junhoe?"

"I think he got lost..."

"YO THIS GUY HAS A SPORTS CORNER!" they heard the familiar voice yell from aside and Jiwon perked up at the sound while Chanwoo blinked.

"How did you find that?"

"Oh my God, how does your brain remember all of these games?!"

"It's just the highlights..."

"HOLY HELL, THERE'S JIUJITSU! THERE'S FUCKING-"

"Chan, think him up for me, will you?" Jiwon sighed, looking amused in the same way Hanbin did whenever Jinhwan was in one of his moods and went into a massively long, nonsensical rant. Chanwoo smiled, nodding and then Junhoe was popping up out of thin air right in front of them, hair dishevelled and eyes blinking before he frowned, settling next to them with crossed arms.

"You guys are no fun."

"You can go back there when we're done, it's not like we're leaving," Jiwon assured, taking hold of the tips of Junhoe's fingers before kissing the younger with a loud 'mwah', making Junhoe scrunch up his face and shake his head like an unimpressed dog. This was all making Chanwoo realise that he had some of the best imagination in the entire world, with this and his general hallucinations and interpretations. Maybe one day he could write a book of sorts, giving Yunhyeong a star role like he had and would always deserve and when Jiwon sent him a knowing grin when he thought that, it made him want to do it even more.

"So why are you here now?"

"I'm not sure this time around. Maybe for comfort? For congratulations?"

"So...my own mind wants to congratulate me? Wow."

"Hey, hey, self-care is very important! And your brain knows when to bring these things up even if you have other emotions in the way, like pride and humility and insecurity, that stuff. So we're here to tell you to let yourself be content, Chanwoo," Jiwon said firmly, wrapping an arm around Chanwoo's shoulders and Junhoe nodded in vigorous agreement. Chanwoo looked at him and realised with a start that his hair wasn't messy anymore. Weird.

"He's right. Don't try and jeopardise your happiness, even if you think you're becoming too comfortable or like you don't deserve it. There are times when things will go bad, inevitably, but you'll be okay. We know how strong you are."

"If you ever need help with Yunhyeong, we're here."

"And if you ever need help with your dad, I'm here," Junhoe said, looking a little sad as he patted Chanwoo's shoulder. "Me and my dad have both messed up when it came to each other but things have come a long way. Read over the scenes in our book, they could help, and I'm pretty sure you've read somewhere that my father wrote a book about his parenting experience. I bet that'd be good too."

Chanwoo blinked, a little amazed. "Is...your dad a writer? Or something like it? Oh, is Rose Thorns a family business?"

Junhoe shrugged. "If you don't know, I don't know."

"You said 'our' book," Jiwon sighed dreamily, swooning and Junhoe raced over to catch him (even though Chanwoo tried to tell him that he could think up a cloud to save him), looking so undeniably fond as he tapped Jiwon's cheek.

"You're the one who wrote it, stupid."

Chanwoo heard the door being opened and he slowly opened his eyes, smiling gently as he knocked his head back onto the mattress, just serenely content. He stayed like that for a few moments before he hopped up, greeting his aunt by immediately hugging her tightly which seemed to catch her off guard when she stumbled a little. "What's this about?"

"Just happy," Chanwoo mumbled, smiling into her coat hood as he squeezed her tightly before pulling back, grinning. "How was your day?"

"Good..." his aunt answered suspiciously, narrowing her eyes. "What happened? Did your Yunhyeong call?"

"He did better than that," Chanwoo said, really struggling to hold back his smile from exploding all over his face and his aunt looked so confused. "Way better."

"What do you mean?"

"I'll tell you, I'll tell you. And Aunt Mai, uh...I'll be going home really soon."

His aunt's eyes cleared as she stood up straight. "You talked to your father, didn't you?"

"Maaaaybe?"

"You amazing little kid," his aunt sighed, shaking her head as she pushed Chanwoo's slightly and the latter grinned, deciding not to say anything bratty like 'I'm way taller than you?' for once. "Damn it. I knew it was going to happen, I _wanted_ it to happen but I'll still miss you. Call me more, let's go to ice-cream parlours."

"Why ice-cream parlours?"

"Your dad's told me before about how much you love ice-cream. Though he described it as 'his intense affinity for the creamed and cooled'."

Chanwoo couldn't have stifled his snort even if he tried. "That man is _archaic_. He's got to be doing it on purpose."

"I sense the fondness in your speech, does this mean requiem?" his aunt asked, wiggling her eyebrows and Chanwoo groaned, pushing her away lightly.

"Don't do this and you didn't even do it _right_ , it's not requiem, it's requital-"

"Oh my God! That proved you're totally gonna become as eloquent as your dad when you're older!"

"I'd rather stub my toe on a pinecone..."

His aunt gave him the most confused look in the world and Chanwoo didn't really blame her as he waved his hand in dismissal, starting to walk off while his aunt went after him, asking, "Where the hell did pinecone come from? Are pinecones even hard? Or sharp? Are they like poisonous or something? How would you stub your toe on one? Couldn't you only just lightly nudge it or-"

"Aunt Mai."

"I always have questions when it comes to you, let me ask my darn questions!"

 

 

 

 

 

_**"Let's take it slow."** _

_**"Really? That's what you're saying after all of...well, everything?"** _

_**"I'm only saying it because I can," Jiwon clarified, a smile slipping onto his face as Junhoe looked at him, eyes a-glitter like stars and since you couldn't see the stars in Seoul, Junhoe's eyes were the closest Jiwon would get to them and they were really so beautiful. "We can take it as slow as we like. We can do whatever we want. This is love, not sparta."** _

Chanwoo was met with a short-lived burst of explosivity when he walked into his classroom, everyone flocking around him to ask what happened, twenty percent because they cared about him, twenty percent to see if any of their guesses had been right, ten percent sheer curiosity, and fifty percent completely for the sake of gossip. Well, Chanwoo didn't really mind. It wasn't like anyone in his school were particularly malicious people anyway and he'd let them have their fun.

"Chanwooooo," Jinhwan had cried out forlornly once he had come into the classroom and seen the boy, holding his arms out as he ran forward and Chanwoo rolled his eyes as he caught Jinhwan in time. "You're ba-ba-ba-ba-ba- _back!"_

"Did you have a temporary malfunction there?"

"I _believe_ I was trying to be emotive."

"I believe you failed."

Jinhwan punched Chanwoo's shoulder out of spite and the younger giggled, patting his back before letting him go with the promise of 'okay okay, sure we'll catch up later' and a moment passed before he noticed Hanbin giving him a _look_. He didn't know what type of look it was. Very, very slightly narrowed eyes, slightly tilted head - was it supposed to be intimidating, confused, threatening, scrutinising? Well, Chanwoo was nervous but he only smiled back, saying, "Don't worry, I'm not going to steal your man."

Hanbin blinked, looking behind him before back at Chanwoo with a considerably redder face. "What?"

"Mm...nothing yet."

Then Chanwoo walked past him towards his own desk, smiling when in the corner of his eye, he could see Jinhwan burst back into the room before going up to Hanbin animatedly and the latter's arm slung around Jinhwan's neck like it was a reflex as they talked, their faces remarkably close and there was a twinkle in Hanbin's eye when Jinhwan laughed. Perhaps Chanwoo's newfound hunch was right. Perhaps he could stop thinking that there was a chance that Hanbin liked Yunhyeong in _that_ way. Perhaps everything would work out for everyone.

However his thoughts were immediately averted when a familiar someone came through the door and Chanwoo probably had a million twinkles in his own eyes now.

"Oh you're back, thank God, thank _God,_ " Yunhyeong mumbled in relief too immense, falling onto Chanwoo a little who let him, holding onto him loosely with one hand on Yunhyeong's hip.

"You okay?"

"Yeah, yeah. I'm fine," Yunhyeong said, beaming up at him tiredly and Chanwoo fell in love a million times over. "I didn't think you'd be in and I didn't realise how _happy_ I'd be. You always make my day, damn it."

"You didn't get enough sleep, did you?"

"It's...easy for things to keep me up..."

"Not me, right?"

Yunhyeong looked uneasy and that was answer enough as Chanwoo let out a soft sigh, pulling Yunhyeong a little closer. "Don't worry about me, I'm fine. I'm quite certain now that _everything_ will be fine. Pretty much. Anomalies don't count."

"Love you," Yunhyeong murmured, leaning forward but Chanwoo stopped him with a touch to his arm which got him a confused blink.

"No matter how much I want to, hyung, maybe not here."

There was a few seconds of silence, but then Yunhyeong was furrowing his eyebrows, taking hold of Chanwoo's collar. "Why not?"

Chanwoo blinked, astounded into silence. If Yunhyeong was going to go from being in the closet to kissing in public then that was far too big of an escalation and Chanwoo could really feel the blood rushing to his face so he tried his best to smoothly change the subject, and hopefully Yunhyeong would get distracted with it like he usually did. Chanwoo knew him. "So, your sister? Did you talk to her about the bet?"

"Eunjin's really a character," Yunhyeong answered, shaking his head in amazement and Chanwoo smiled, crossing his arms.

"Why so?"

"We talked last night and you know what she told me? She said that she didn't ask me to make her bet something if I won because she said that when I kissed someone, I'd get payment enough because she said she knew I wouldn't kiss someone that I wasn't really smitten for...I mean, she was right. And the payment would be that I'd have a relationship that would make me feel all happy and loved...then she said that if I just kissed some random bloke then she would have bought me dinner instead."

"Aww, so no dinner?" Chanwoo teased, trying not to focus on the fact that Yunhyeong had basically said that he was _smitten_ for him, but Yunhyeong pulled at his arms and held onto his hands, swinging them slightly, grinning but he seemed shy.

"I was...hoping...we could go out to dinner tonight?"

Chanwoo's heart flipped a little. "Was that part of the bet?"

"Nope."

Chanwoo looked at the clock, seeing that they had ten minutes before class started so he quickly tugged Yunhyeong away and out of the room, ignoring Yunhyeong's alarmed questioning for a while as he tried to figure out where to go. The bathroom? There would probably be people there at this moment. An empty classroom? Chanwoo didn't want to risk that but in the end he couldn't really help it anymore so he went into one of the rooms that weren't lit judging by looking through the cut-out window. He couldn't see much when he went in which warped his thinking for a moment, until hands were settling on either side of his face and he blinked, letting his eyes adjust at least to one thing. The most important thing.

"Are we going to become those sorts of people? Making out in an empty classroom?" Yunhyeong asked amusedly, his grin so bright that Chanwoo couldn't quite kiss it away yet so he only wrapped his arms around the elder's waist, drawing Yunhyeong into his chest.

"Nah. I just want to talk to you...but perhaps with kisses inbetween."

"Damn it, that sounds amazing."

"Does it?" Chanwoo asked with raised eyebrows but the reply wasn't words, just Yunhyeong taking his breath away by pressing their lips together and Chanwoo really did forget about the existence of oxygen. He just held Yunhyeong tight, head dropping once Yunhyeong pulled away and murmured in his ear, "Did that prove it?"

"Shut up..."

Yunhyeong laughed contentedly, his head knocking against Chanwoo's probably by accident but Chanwoo kept his head there, opening his eyes and he found it difficult to swallow the sudden lump in his throat. He didn't know why it was there, not when everything was so perfect, but his brain was doing that thing where it wasn't letting him stay in the moment. "I really don't want you to go."

Yunhyeong's eyes grew wide, confused. "Where am I going? To class?"

"No, to uni."

Yunhyeong's eyes grew softer. "Chan..."

"It could happen. You forgetting about me, you leaving me behind. Maybe I would only hold you back, hyung."

"Why would someone so smart and awe-inspiring hold me back? I'm not going to be one of those people who let go of everything and start afresh, I'm just moving onto a...new chapter. And you're definitely following me through the shift."

"I wish I could fit into your suitcase but I'm massive. I'm a pig. I'm a sad pig."

Yunhyeong smiled in a morose sort of way, his hand tapping against the nape of Chanwoo's neck as the younger pushed him back against the wall a little. "You're the cutest pig, though. Texts, calls, all and every day. Well, not _all_ day but as close as we can get. I'm not forgetting you. Never ever."

"SNU isn't even that far away, to be fair."

"I might not go to SNU, though."

"Oh my God, you mean there's _more-_ "

"There is and that's why we shouldn't think about it now because honestly? There's longer left than it seems like. I haven't decided most of the stuff I need to. Besides, I have fears too, what if you find someone here that you like? Someone your age, someone sweeter than old me?"

"Someone sweeter than- hyung, that person doesn't even exist. You can't have any worries, trust, you don't know how much I love you."

"So basically we should stop worrying?"

"Basically," Chanwoo murmured, smiling softly as he leant in, pressing Yunhyeong up more against the wall and Yunhyeong's arms curled around his neck, his hair so soft that it didn't tickle Chanwoo's skin even when Yunhyeong's head made its way to rest in the crook of his neck, eyes closed and breathing slow. "I'd love to go to dinner with you."

Yunhyeong let out a surprised burst of laughter, vibrating against Chanwoo's neck which made the younger have to try not to squirm. "Why the hell are you remembering that now?"

"It seemed like the right moment..."

The bell rang and Chanwoo jolted a little while Yunhyeong sighed, bringing his head up and looking so mightily disappointed that Chanwoo had to smile, shaking his head and he could have pulled back to let them go back to their room but Yunhyeong's gaze was holding him in place, shining in his way and Chanwoo wished that they'd never ever dim because Yunhyeong lived to glow. Luminescence was always, always part of his auras, his prepossessing aura that was more enigmatic than art that Chanwoo had seen, words that Chanwoo had read.

**_\- aura_ **

_noun_

_noun: **aura** ; plural noun: **aurae** ; plural noun: **auras**_

_definition:_

_1._

**_the distinctive atmosphere or quality that seems to surround and be generated by a person, thing, or place._ **

_2._

_**(in spiritualism and some forms of alternative medicine) a supposed emanation surrounding the body of a living creature and regarded as an essential part of the individual.** _

Aura, commonly described as one of the most beautiful simplistic words in the english vocabulary, also the plural form of the word 'aurum', latin for _gold_ aka one of the most well-known, precious words in the world. Auras are the foundation of feelings, of thoughts, when something or someone gives off an aura, you can sense it. The parts that made up Chanwoo's world had all kinds of auras that differed which made life difficult, made life hard to swallow but Yunhyeong's aura was the only one Chanwoo liked analysing. And in analysing it, he could see how incredible it was. He could see why everyone fell in love with it and why he had too.

One day, Chanwoo would tell Yunhyeong about all of it. For now he was just good with basking in the golden, seeing Yunhyeong sparkle in the way that seemed like the stars had given him the power to do.

Now it was time for Chanwoo to work on his own aura too, on _himself_ , as the world around him started looking up for the first time in a long while.

 

**Author's Note:**

> shot for the birthday boy! jung chanwoo ze legend 
> 
> HOLY SHIT THIS IS 23K?? IM YELLING??? damn i love yunchan so much, so so so much they're really my favourite ship and this has been one of my most favourite things to write evEr and i'm so happy i got the chance 
> 
> thank you so much for reading, and have a lovely lovely dayy


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